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Friday - no classes. supposed to be focusing on my internship.
None of it bothers me as much as AUREA, because it's not a public website, but wow the instruction course for my internship's programs is bad. It's poorly written at times and clearly a work in progress in others. I don't think working in the nonprofit section is what's right for me at this pace unless I have the authority to just go it and put things the way I think they should be lol. I want to be associated with. work that I'm proud of the quality of lol.
Tuesday, the first day of classes and my second full day at MI.
I dyed my hair on Friday. Splat Rebellious Colors Midnight Indigo. It doesn't look much different, but I really like it because it's pretty much what I wanted. I'm already thinking about doing a tone of purple next. Then I wondered why I'm so happy with this when it's such a small appearance change, and I think it's because it was very present and physical. Even though the result was negligible, it was something I put sustained effort into, paying attention to myself and my physical surrondings. And afterwards, even though it's slight, it does leave a visible change, and as it fades it's something to sort of track time by.
Thursday. Day three of being in my room with COVID -- or two, if you count by breakfasts, I think.
There’s a lightning cloud across the street and as I stare at it from the office window, I can see my neighbors’ lights flicker off, like a reflection on the ground. You can wait patiently, so intently staring forever and still not be prepared. The sunset — the sunset reflected on the clouds outside my window across from it — was brilliant. pink orange, amoroso (it's possible i'll never see another sunset in my life without thinking of that). Like a painting, I kept thinking, like a pinterest image that can't be real. But there it is, right outside my window, seen with my own eyes. now the sky is dark. there was a cloud of fading color and cloud that was fully grey, and I couldn't quite tell which one the lightening was coming from. but I remember learning about this, a little. the static charges separated in the sky, electrons jumping to the other side to restore equilibirum. negative to positive -- and it never did seem reasonable, damn you ben franklin. i don't remember the cloud names or anything though. Oh, why did it play "Seahorses" next, why did they say "nothing is purer than intense beauty". intense beauty.
"my love lies bleeding on rainswept beaches" that's my kind of line. intensely beautiful. someone should remake all these songs. For once it really couldn't be me bringing my ideas to the world -- it's not my calling.
It's probably about time for me to pack these up into a "college year 1" page or some similar title...
I'm going to rewatch the series so here is my memory before: I started watching Xiao Zhan's Europe vlog before we left. Probably less than 5 had released so far -- maybe as little as 3? probably 4. maybe over 5 though... I think I had only just checked up on bjyx while they were in the midst of releasing. The rented house in California. Putting my headphones in (was the sound quality bad? I would have had to have been using the Samsung, I think. I think the Samsung hadn't even broken yet? No, I have it on the calender to have tried to fix my phone in January 2024 after picking out a new phone in August 2023... I probably had both on that vacation. I must have had my current earbuds, and those are always bad with phones. I may have given up and taken them out, hiding in a corner), lying on the carpet floor of the room I shared with Mommy, the sunlight streaming in. His beautiful day, my beautiful day. Another one I watched on the rooftop, I think, or maybe I moved there. Very peaceful and precious memory to me. Unadulterated happiness. I'm not sure why I thought so, but I do think I first believed they got married while I was on that vacation. EDIT: RING UNDERNEATH SHIRT. Don't remember when but first idea of marriage. I would have had tumblr as app, I think, checking up as things went.
The funny thing is, it's the week after I remember loading Flight Rising on data on my phone... not at the beach house. I can't remember if the vlog series finished after we got home, but I think I might have watched an episode in the cheap motel... it's weird how little I remember sometimes. I can't remember playing Flight Rising at the beach house, but I must have... I think less though, only once or twice the whole week.
Sunday, in the middle of Grandpa's visit
returning to the idea if I had been born male (and perhaps a few years earlier too). angsty older son who wears his hair longer than his mother wants it, pushes people away and nobody quite understands. Uneven resemblance to my younger brother with lighter, softer hair, eyes in the reverse of his, just as broad but shorter. We never mention it but "Alexander" is a pretty popular name in my grade, actually, same as my given name. Would I have remained nicknameless as I did in this life? Very likely. Nobody went by the full Alexandre I think. I'd probably feel even more directionless -- in my younger years the idea that being a girl meant I was more awesome than boys was fundamental to my developing identity, but I'm not sure how things would have gone otherwise. I don't think I'd have the personality of my brother, confident and funny. My mental health issues are definitely very tied to female hormones, but I would have still been morose I bet. I would probably be a little more destructive though, a little less afraid of mess. Things would be more stable without a menstrual cycle, of course. I might dye my hair blonde at some point. It would be harder to fit in among boys than girls, queer girls and "girls" sort of are more able to express than many boys, it's the "pinkness" of it, queerness. There weren't really classical homosexuals in my grade, but I probably could have learned to love the nerdy tabletop games and hung out with the guys and "guys" who thought they were cishet until the middle or even end of high school. I don't think I would have been any better friends with them than the ones I had; I think I would have self-constructed a loner only more. I figure academically things would be about the same... my brother is a classic "smart but goes too fast" case, I think feeling blue can lead to not caring to rush so I think I would have been the same. I identify as gay, but struggle to realize it as still very heavily aspec. My gender would be the same, I think at some point I would realize being a lady is equally appealing as a gentleman, but I think I would have been happier male. As-is I wouldn't like the hair, but if it was just how I grew up I probably would have gone along with it. You can voice train post-T to be high a way you can't seem to pre-T to be low. Maybe I would have been ugly as a man though -- maybe my face would have been too masculine and I wouldn't have been cute at all. Then it wouldn't have been nice at all. I'll probably have tried to double up in languages. I was so focused on Chinese as an assertion of my Chinese-ness while my brother looks more Chinese, but if I was male I would have also felt a stronger connection to my dad and French I bet. I don't really like my dad sometimes as-is. I think I still would have wanted to dye my hair black though, at some times. I would have wanted to wear lipstick still, and it would have been more difficult. Maybe I would have hated my voice, who knows. I wonder if I would have been closer to S, if he would have wanted to mimic me more.
Our older son, he doesn't like to leave his room but at least we know he's alive when he's screaming to that angry music of his. We were worried when he started being so angsty all of the time, but his younger brother doesn't seem to be repeating it at least. He asks us to buy weird clothes and says "emos not dead", he loves this weird "emo music" thing so much. But almost none of the bands are active anymore, so we can't take him to any concerts, that might cheer him up. He doesn't seem to be good at making friends, but he never expresses it outright to us. But he seems upset a lot. My husband works in the school and he says our son is almost never with someone else when he sees him. He likes to come into my room and fiddle with my comestics without using them, we think he might be gay, but he doesn't seem to really be interested in other boys. I hate how long his hair has gotten, but he refuses to let my husband cut it like S's, in fact he's taken to trimming it himself, somehow. It covers up his face. He's always hiding. We tell him we love him and he does express affection for us, but sometimes we wonder if we went wrong somewhere with the first child. But we're also worried that it's not just teenage angst, that maybe he needs, I don't know, help from professionals. He doesn't want to stay and he doesn't want to go for college. Sometimes he tries to express himself and I can't tell if he's stopping himself or just doesn't know what to say. He writes, but it's just what we already can tell: he's unhappy and unsettled and struggles with who he is. He wrote a few good poems, he even won awards! but he says he hates it now, he hates poetry in general and won't ever write it again. I don't understand him. But the part that I wish I could fix, is that he doesn't seem to understand himself either. He was so happy as a kid, loved to play, loved to read. He does well in school, but sometiems he falters and we have to push him to recover from some setbacks. My husband asked his colleges, and they say the same thing: smart, but keeps to himself, surprisingly shy, sometimes clearly not focused in class but visiably tries not to be completely zoned out. Sometimes it seems like he does his school work just because he can't think of anything better to do. He doesn't seem to be happy a lot. We're not a sports family, no sport ever stuck for him, but he's tried a few different clubs and expresses feeligns of inferiority and gives up. Oh, and he mumbles so much. He hates it when we ask him to speak louder, but really I can't understand half of what he says.
After Murder on the Orient Express. Friday evening. It's warming up, but not consistently
Have I really been lonely forever. Is there somethigng wrong with me. I know i could just reach out more but why do *I* have to be the one putting in all the effort all of the time? I have never had a girlbestfriend. I've had really good friends, but not the close, openness, tell-all, we-hang-out-as-a-given relationship. I wish I had that. I wish I was younger and the year was lesser. I wish I hadn't been me from the start.
Maybe I need to learn how to live alone.
I'm trying to write this email and I've oversharing but when I switch back here my brain doesn't work the same. I really thought it would just all fall into place at college, and that wasn't something I came up with on my own. At least three teachers told me something along the lines of that I would really bloom at college. My dad also said that's what he expected to happen. But I was afraid, myself. Maybe expectations are fate.
Sometimes I feel like I choose to be afraid. That it's what I want to be. I do sometimes feel like, well, the range of people I meet here is pretty much the same as high school; when I was in high school I was desperate to have more "interesting" conversations. But I don't really care anymore. I don't know why. I'm not anxious around adults the same way I am with people my age.
My mom said I just need to find something I'm confident about, and I joked that the only thing I'd be fluent at would be a Tumblr club lol. I don't go to clubs. I never go. I almost go, and then I don't. I really did do a lot less this semester because my anxiety and depression spiked, I think it was because I started birth control...
I have always wanted to be Impressive, The Best, Special... I still haven't figured out how to cope with the fact that I'm not. I pick extremely niche strange skills to train so I feel better about being good at something.
Just found out two of my favourite substences, milk and pineapple, have a disgusting reaction when put together. The hard way. (I'm in the dining hall now.)
Early in the morning because of the stupid noises from outside waking me up early.
College sucks. Nobody likes me here. Nobody respects me here. Dead silence after "we should meet again" at meetups that *I* initiated. Only rarely do good things ever happen to me here. I hate it. I want to be with my family. I'm so lonely. And I'm so not healthy. And I have infections in my skin! And it smells like a farm out there lately! And god everything is just so awful...
In dining hall common area, 10:45pm, after evil probability homework
Wow, it's been a while, huh. I don't really know what happened but I got really depressed the first at the beginning of March. Maybe I realized that nothing was making this better than last semester, I wasn't any better and it would all be awful again. To be honest, I kinda want to drop out. I dropped a class last week because I was failing three. So now I'm only failing two. I hate math I hate college I hate my life. I want to drop out but I don't know what I would do. I hate people. All people. I hate living my own life. Why can't someone do it for me?
Well anyways I need to write about something else because this wallowing is making me cry. Uh I've still been posting to tumblr a ton. Not really having "exploits/adventures" uh except for the throw up/nausea saga... I'm pretty sure it's over, WHATEVER it was. Still in FOBland but sort of exited Bilvyworld... Kinda in a very asexual/aromantic swing.
I've only been writing fiction and tumblr posts. Yesterday I wrote an essay and realized I hadn't written anything like that for months. These blog posts are around the level of fiction but there's a differnce too.
I feel just the same as I did before break: all I want in the world is to go home... and STAY HOME.
I don't have housing for next year, so... honestly.... maybe I won't come back. I'll talk to disability services next week about maybe getting accomodation priority but idk. I looked it up and the secondary location, it doesn't have enough classes for it to make sense to commute.
Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing at all in the world. Nothing makes sense.
Tuesday evening. fighting sickness or possibly menstrual stuff
There were these guys in the dining hall and what I should have said is "omg I'm from that area too, I'm from XX and the only reason nobody reacts like that to me is because XX is too small for them to have heard of, so then I tell them it's near Framingham," and laughed, and they would have asked if i'm purposefully decieving people, and I would say, "no, it's just the first place I can think of" because last semester I met someone from Framingham and we kept talking about how close we were, "except.. i totally sort of am obfuscating on purpose" and laughed again and then we would have talked about American grindset and European cultural value and frats being stupid together and I would have new jerk-ish white boy friends.
But instead I sat there silently, keeping my head down, smiling. They looked over a couple times I think, and I did too. But I didn't say a word. and when I finished my last dish, I left.
I could say I hope to see them again, but it's a big campus -- over 20,000. I rarely even see the people I know. And unless at least two of the guys were talking in the same manner, I probably wouldn't even recognize them.
Third day of classes. snow on the ground. in the study room
Side A: Pretending to Be Someone Stronger | Side B: Young And Menace
Sometimes I feel like most of what I've done in my life was an attempt to be *like* a type of a person. And never someone I was. I don't like a lot of things. I don't enjoy many activies or learning about most subjects. And I REALLY don't like most people.
And I need a new life to live. I don't have direction anymore.
I think I started learning the world I grew up in, but then the world changes but I kept learning that same world. And now the 2010s are the only place that feels like home to me.
It's weird I've been posting a lot, I've been writing plenty, but I feel like I have a lot of thoughts I haven't sorted.
I'm so tired. Roomie says they've also been waking up around 7 for no clear reason... I hate it here. so dry. my skin itches in the shower.
Take two at losing my mind? I guess.
Apparently the economy is going to collapse soon. I'm looking forward to it, frankly. Something to happen. Something to actually happen in the world. It'll be nice for it to end for a while. Happy late 2000s financial recession 2!!
I have to go back and learn to code with Aug. don't want to. really don't want to. but it is what it is. so nice and warm in here...
10:19PM. After we watched Seven Samurai as a family
I get lonely sometimes. And think about things that hurt me. Anybody want to go to the mall with me tomorrow? I can't just scroll on tumblr forever. It will kill me, reading about bandom that much.
9am. hope i'll fall back asleep after this
I'm jealous. You wouldn't like to know of who for what. (Your real problems over my fake ones.) I don't get why I'm this way. (So desparate for attention.) I keep getting in deeper, learning more, and I don't think it's good for me. (Maybe I'm not jealous but guilty. Guilty for all the people like you I was afraid of.) I've been feeling a lot like 14 again. (Why didn't I come out a firebolt with everything right and wrong with me.) I hate it when I have to think and think and think about everything I know like this. (Don't get obsessed over this. Please.) I wish things just happened to me so I wouldn't have to do things, but that's not the way it works. (That's not the way it worked for you even.) I wish I had the power to change the world. (I wish I fucking lived in the world, at least.)
Went on tumblr. Everything's normal and fine mostly probably.
but i am serious about this in a greater sense. larry itliong isn't in the history books. he's just not there. they didn't put him in. if you want to cite a source on the delano grape strike. he could easily be missing. if you go back to a primary source. well that could be forged. how do you KNOW its real.is it a primary source or a biased account of one
the thing is i basically don't believe in truth being obtainable anymore. nobody can verify more than a few facts personally and everything written is a lie. there is no such thing as a reliable source, between bias and lies and limitations and confusions. but in the absence of God at 13 I chose truth and well, I was 13; I can never give that up. so even when I think this I have no choice but to continue to hold truth as my foundational value. Because if I don't value truth, I have nothing to value. I have nothing to pursue. I have nothing to encourage in the world. I do believe the truth will set you free, but I don't believe truth matters. I believe the truths that set you free can be subjective. Beyond that, I don't know what I believe/what my purpose is. And here we see the specific way I'm using "believe" here, as a religious creed. When you're fine you don't need a reason to live and when you're depressed you're always crying there isn't any. "oh, what's the bloody point" - Kenneth Williams. But that's not the point of this now. the point is I used to believe in truth. And now? "for a long time now, I thought happiness was something I had coming for me, like an inheritance from a far-off uncle in American. But now? pff." - My Uncle From America. I used to tell myself getting as close to the truth as possible was my ideology of living a good life. And I can't stop myself from trying, not yet, but I don't think it matters anymore.
It's 1:44am and I just broke down crying, choking off wails of pain. Because I can't find my handmade TAI... bracelet which I realized I lost sometime yesterday this morning. But it's not just about that. Tomorrow I take my last exam and I go home from my first semester of college. It was the first time I wore the bracelet and I already lost it. And I can make another but the first thing I make out of the most love I've felt in years I loose on the first day. The first time I try to accesorize like the aesthetic I want and it's pointless. Tomorrow I have to study for my exam AND pack everything AND possibly do some math when I get back if I want to raise my grade that tiny bit. I'm only facing it now, in tears, but this semester was a resounding failure. I didn't post a lot here, and the reason is I doubled my tumblr time from september to novemeber. last night I was thinking i'd draw some while listening to music; i'd drawn the day before my math exam and got kind of into it. but all i did was Computer; tumblr and mobile games. I'll never be anyone. It's the goddamn truth, i'm a nobody and I will be for life. I'm sitting in my unpacked room at 1:51am alone after three months of being alone crying over loosing the only thing I've made in a month with nothing around me packed. I'm alone. All I have is my family. Because I hate everyone else. Or even those I don't hate (shoutout New Jersey girl...) I don't care enough to reach out to. It's been an awful two weeks to be sure. I wish I didn't live in this world; I wish there was a better world to live in. I need HRT consultation next semester. Maybe I'll just do it for like a month for bottom growth and try to avoid body hair thickeing.
Originally written on tumblr, transferred here on December 27th
i’m mentally unwell guys. if you didn’t know from my constantly being on tumblr.
i think there’s like an emotional/psychological disconnect with my obsession with The Academy Is… – like one part is missing. I don’t know which. And now I’m thinking, The Death Note Year was the closest I got to being fully in a fandom like I had in the past since MCYT. Merlin was close, sort of, but Chem’s Death Note Arc was really the only focused prolonged sole interest. (Dead Boy Detectives was basically following the trend and Hannibal is really just watching a TV and blogging about it; not at all being in the fandom.) And I barely blogged about it until the end of the year too. I’m just kind of thinking now. maybe everything at the end of MCYT broke me. i mean. i kinda had left and was drifting before shit really went down if I remember correctly. okay yes no. i checked yourfavouritetragedy and I STILL blog there WAY more than I thought??? and everything went down even later (Feb of THIS YEAR) than I thought. but 2023 was a slow year on that blog. but also on my main, even when death note was happening to me – recall the posts/year graph i made not too long ago.
anyways yeah i think i’m uncomfortable with myself and cannot commit to just Being A Fangirl and honestly it’s probably for the best – because it’s not subconscious it’s conscious; i’m also trying so hard not to go off the parasocial deep end listening to Shut Up I’m Talking. but the thing is it’s not direct from what happened – the concious bit is but the inability to fangirl started before that.
i dunno. i do think there’s something about bandom something inside of me is being pushed back by – maybe just that it’s all old and i’ll always be looking back and i don’t want to make my Past Obsession worse and I’ll never know what happened. okay also random but i get viscerally aware of like. whenver i see travie/bill that racism is prolly #1 reason gabill is/was bigger and i’ve already picked up gabill and i’m a monoshipper so bad i get like, jealous with other pairings but i can’t put it down. so like i just feel racist i guess? lmao. but yeah. i think also. body/beauty standards. i’m very short and broad. and that’s very much not the ideal for that era. and when you’ve got Gender going on it can try to rationalize that for you, try to act like it’s obtainable or a innate discomfort with your body. it’s not - it comes from external standards, and it’s best if i accept that. my height is my height, my width is my width. at best my height would have been only slightly taller had I been born with XY chromosomes and perisex characteristics; my brother has the same limb thickness as me. and it’s not like we look very similar besides that actually.
sorry i uh.
still haven’t found which room i have to go to for my exam.
just ignore this. unless you have something nice to say i guess.
11am. Trump was declared president before I woke up this morning. It's sunny and warm. I'm outside W. DC.
It's a beautiful day and the world is ending. How many of us are walking around lying, pretending, and how many don't care. how many don't know. How many are the blind idiots who brought us here. I set out today with the goal to cover everything up and feel nothing until it was over. I've been tumblr blogging, but I don't know if that's all I'll be able to to do for long. I need to get out there.
But it's the end of the world and it's just another Wednesday.
2am. Just listened to "Skeptics and True Believes" after seeing a Gabilliam fic titled after it. Months ago, that was my favorite song.
It seems all too obvious, but I hate growing up. It's all so recent and yet all so long ago, and the worst part is it's over. Everything that I know is done. And I don't know what's to come and that's why it never really matters. I've got one year left of being a teenager. Less. I don't think I can take it. How are my teenage years already fully defined? How am I already done? Am I already done, am I already dead? I'm in my college dorm room (alone, roomie home for the weekend). I've been here for two months. I have about one more, and then my first semester will be over. And what's the point, and what's the point? Fuck, is this just a symptom of my period? I can't grow up. I can't. I can't. I can't. i can't. i can't.
Please, take me back and start it all over. Please.
2:20am: I opened the window and like five or six cars drove past and then there were none. I'm going to leave the shade cracked open tonight. I like seeing into the world. I like having that portal. One time roomie forgot and I thought they may have done it on purpose so I left it and it was nice.
3:40am: I closed the curtain. And I'm going to close my laptop too and my eyes.
Saturday, Roomie has their friend over for the weekend, I am eating dark chocolate pretzels and strawberry milk outside Campus Center. warm and sunny day. read a heartbreaking Gabilliam fanfiction earlier
I have felt a great chasm open up within my soul. It's just one of those days, I suppose; there's nothing for me to do but to wait for it to pass.
Or if I'm not going to be emo Kafka's diaries about this, I could do stuff. Like walk around more. And do my homework to distract myself.
Tumblr post I made from 2:30 to 3:30 last night, referencing this poll.
Still thinking about if I suddenly got an introject of Hannibal. He would hate having to pretend to be an awkward, socially anxious, vaguely but blatantly neurodivergent nineteen year old instead of a charming high society rich adult. He’d give me social suggestions but also be acutely aware that my personality suddenly changing would be suspicious. He’d understand that he’s an altar but he wouldn’t be able to reconcile that he’s “fictional” (I’m imaging him as a very ‘pure’ introject that 'spawned’ believing they are the source material). He’d read my story about the destruction goddess who manipulates the girl with PMDD and think he could do that with me but then realized the problem is so physical it’d affect him to. So he’d push us to get that fixed so we stay as rational as possible. He’d also get gender dysphoria and encourage me to go on T. He’d hate when I wear dresses or dress emo so I’d do it to annoy him. He’d find my music tedious too, and embarrassing that I sleep with stuffed animals. Although he wouldn’t understand liking cute things, he’d enjoy the irony. He’d read the DSM5 and medical condition books bc it’d annoy him that he lost all his knowledge. I would konk out for that but would stick around for him relearning men’s fashion, and we’d get our persona into that slowly together. He’d appreciate that I’ve been embracing aplatonic-spec solitude and go off on my own a lot – time to kill. And I know it seems silly that parts of this are like the “demon possesses you and forces you to do self care” fantasy but consider that he’s all about maintaining appearances. In the show he has a very complete life outside of killing so I doubt he’d be content with just chilling in my head. My understanding is that he does it to keep himself occupied, because he wants to, for the thrill, because he doesn’t even consider not killing, and all to those would still apply. I have no idea if my moral compass would affect him though, if that’s a part of the brain that can be de-activated for an altar, I assume so, given they can go blind. He’d distance me from my family, who’d be his one main block to taking over my life. Probably would go into hiding when I go back home. Nobody on that show has any family connections (well… mostly… no parental connections, none of the adults are from anywhere) so it would be very strange to him. He’d slowly groom me/our persona (not in that way…) to be more refined and elegant, and me to be evil. It’d be interesting how much I’d fight him. I don’t have many ideals but the ones I do have are very strong and 'truth’ and 'helping people/minimizing suffering’ are both very at conflict with his methods.
It’s kind of crazy how alone in the world I am at college though. Like I had times at high school when I felt very lonely, very disconnected from my peers, when I was eating lunch alone nearly every day and had no friends in any of my classes, but my teachers and classmates still knew my name and I still went home and talked to my family, super healthy and functional family too. To brag. If I stopped messaging my family and didn’t reach out to/ghosted people (old friends, online friends) I would only talk to my roommate (daily but could be minimized) and the three friends I have in classes (equivalent to one hour of being with, but not necessarily talking to, someone who knows me per day). If I didn’t contact my peer mentor they might eventually reach out, but it’d be easy to just “play along” for one meeting (well maybe not for me so going back to the weird Hannibal introject imagine). Obviously the two RAs I know would be friendly but I see them combined once a week, not very frequent. We’re getting partners at ballroom dance so honestly the expectation to become friendly with the person you chose would probably be my biggest barrier to decreasing social contact over time to complete isolation. (Which, re the weird Hannibal introject imagine thing, he would want the opposite of that – while emotionally disconnected from society, to be a part of it, to be so normal no one would be suspicious, to fool everyone, (though honestly I have faith in my potential to become so invisible I wouldn’t be suspect bc no one would even think of me. At least here at 25k students college) so this is another train of thought now.) But after a semester I could both stop that and not make any friends in my new classes. Then the only thing between me and complete isolation would be my family, which I said in reality I am extremely close with, who I would be still living with for about a third? Of the year. My parents know I struggle with mental health and they would notice if I became overly withdrawn. But if I was possessed by an evil liar who dissociates from social emotional connection they would just evilly lie for me. And then she’d take me to the center of the world, a long, arduous trek, running my body ragged, and open up the crack in the earth there, and release all the pain and everything miserable ever felt and bring an end to this temporary planet, killing me in the process because I was always just a tool to her, but at least she chose me, I was special, she saw my pain and saw my suffering and she also saw my power and potential and knew I was the one to set her free (story of The Possessed. I knew it was self-indulgent melodramatic slop from the beginning because that was what I set out to let myself write in the depths of my misery. But yeah when I put it like this it’s so middle grade).
Anyways. I gotta start memorizing stuff to fill up my brain instead of intricately plotting a theoretical mental breakdown like this.
Two years ago I thought/wrote/said, “You are not living somebody else’s life; somebody else is living your own.” It was to describe a sci-fi situation with body swapping, but it quickly became an affirmation of sorts to try to tell myself to live my life, to own it. There’s a theme in this post and it’s that I’m inclined to the feeling of being possessed and my body hasn’t always felt like my own, or that it wants me here. Well, maybe those are all stretches. Calling them themes and saying I feel that way. I don’t know. I never identified with the typical trans “this is not my body” narrative. Or at least I didn’t before I thought about it. Subjective things like that, I can always convince myself.
Anyways. Yeah. Tomorrow I’m reviewing the Communist Manifesto because I have too much space in my brain.
Notably, before writing this post carefully plotting my removal from society that references my Period Feelings story twice, I had put a panty liner in because I had gone to the bathroom and a wipe came away orange-brown. Woke up this morning and had the Period Poo. I don't think this is going to be an easy one given I was thinking about completely isolating myself before my flouxetine was even supposed to have worn off. It was early (for me) too, looking into if walking more can shift your period schedule... well, stress, diet, and exercise can all affect period timing, all of which have changed here..
Wednesday, after showering after first ballroom practice. drizzly day. nearly midnight
Possible reasons I feel upbeat right now despite having a buttload of math to catch up on, ranked from most to least likely to be a strong influence
Also. Birthday soon! Not excited to be 19 but excited to finally go home!!
Hey wtf I did not used to have all this space after my h2s I swear, why tf would they change that....
Sunny Sunday, 1:49PM, just saw Ms. Dinno
Lord, I can't believe I called yesterday the day that went wrong before the spider even happened. Link Tumblr post later.
Across the street I see a little East Asian Girl, her two parents and her brother. She must be a little younger than my cousin Ro-Ro, three or four, so small and cute. She's taking a biiiiig step, and now she notices she's behind her family so she runs to catch up, little limbs flailing. I notice her hair is in a little ponytail not longer than her head, confirming she's at least considered a little girl. Now she runs ahead, her little white coat shining in the bright midday sun. There isn't many people on that side of the road, and that brownish shade of concrete sidewalk glows, and I think about her childhood in reflection of my past, a childhood spent walking down this college campus, parents who may be grad students. They're going to turn a corner and I'm going to reach my dorm. She's running ahead and her brother, wearing a camo coat, looks to be older, is following this time. And she's glowing warmly in the afternoon sun of childhood, and she's walking away, and life goes on.
Gloomy day, gloomy mood. Saturday after first week of classes
The Day That Went Wrong
So a lot's gone wrong today. I'll start with what happened first, which was that I was going to call AFC and then their parents did a surprise visit. We kind of set up a call for tomorrow but it'll be short I think, ae have to go by 11. Then I was hungry and checked the app and saw there were good buns in F. so I headed there but they were all out and the stuff I did get kind of sucked (the infamously bad grilled cheese, vegetables that were too raw but at least were seasoned, and French toast so dry and cruncy I choked on it). And there I checked my phone and realized I'd be late for an event I wanted to go to. I thought about texting rooomie but figured I was being overly paranoid since no other event had been closed-doors so far. Well guess what. This one is. So I sat for a bit and then some girls near me got the painting kits and did it outside. But before I asked for one too I sat for a bit so when I did they fucking didn't let me! Claimed they had to save for the next session. So I'm just going to stay in my room for the rest of the day and do gay stuff idk.
Second full day at college. Evening. Third day sweating through my shirt.
Jesus Christ I just had the most chaotic dinner ever. In a bad way. I just texted my roommate about it and realized it would make a good post so HERE WE GO!
So, background: Gas is my friend from Orientation, she is a trans girl from New Jersey. She faced a lot of transphobia in her small town. She seems to really like me, I dearly hope she didn't take all the bumping into her I did because she doesn't adjust where she's walking on the sidewalk to give me space as evidence I have a crush on her... Yesterday, I was with Gas and two other friends. Gas started talking to someone ahead of us and I went to the bathroom and when I came out I asked the others who Gas was talking to at a two-person table. They didn't know. Gas basically dipped on us although still staying close and didn't even introduce us? We had to ask? That evening, she left her bag in my room and didn't respond to me texting her about it for approximately half an hour to an hour. She said she was studying later.
I met A and VG at my compsci event today, spent more time with A. Also met VB, VG's friend. A made plans with all of us to eat dinner at 6:30. I got VG and her instas but missed VB's. A and I walked back to our dorms together, rested the afternoon. I join the class of '28 Discord server and the first message I see is about bunnies in front of a dining hall. I dilly dally but decide to go and when I arrive, there's only the bunnies and their owner there. I hang with the bunnies for ~45 minutes, during which people come and go, on average increasing over time, and I meet people who I shall call K2 and Jessica. You'll never know if that's a nickname or I just couldn't think of one. One of the bunnies had a white woman jumpscare moment. I talk to the owner, they will be in the town center tomorrow, maybe I'll go. I say I have to figure out the buses, he says I should just walk haha.
So I'm done with the bunnies. I go to the bathroom, I sit in the lobby of the dining hall. I see Gas, I tell her bunnies are outside. She tells someone she was with and all of the sudden So Called Free Thinkers When "Bunnies". I'm pretty sure I tell her that I'm meeting with a friend and she should join us.
I'm planning to make a insta group chat with VG and A and tell them I'm going to go up first cuz I'm HUNGRY but when I open it up VG says her mom is here and she's meeting her for dinner. Notably, that was NOT in a groupchat with A. I say it's fine and everything. A says she's outside. I message her and then go out to look for her, she's at the side enterance. VG had messaged her individually, VB has not responded to her message. I tell her about the bunnies, we take a look. I point out Gas and I forget exactly what happened but we walk up the stairs as a group.
A says she'll claim a table for us while we get food. Gas asks me if she can eat with us. I see VG and her mom. Gas recommends me a dish, it's good, that part's normal but just something I'd note.
I go back to the table first and A tells me she has to leave early to meet someone at 7. Gas returns and says she'll just stay for a second but "let us be". We reaffirm to her she should stay. Gas gets up to get more food, I swear that's what she said, and A asks for her contact. However, later events will show I believe Gas was either lying or ate what little more she got really really quickly and left.
So A leaves, it's just me. I'm finishing texting my family about what's going on, except my messages aren't sending? My data is on, the symbol is there, and it's way too early since my dad upped it for my plan to be out of data, so it must be just that the connection sucks that bad. I see freaking AS from high school??? I shout her name but she doesn't turn. I zip up my little bag and OUCH! I think a keychain dug under my nail? It starts bleeding, only lightly though thankfully. For the rest of this story, I'm squeezing that fingernail hard as often as I can. I text Gas 1. Is she still here? No response. 2. A left and I saw someone from HS. No response. 3. I made under my fingernail bleed! No response. I walk around the whole cafeteria looking for AS and Gas and can't find either.
With a loud clatter, a guy right in front of me falls while walking past a high table. A guy sitting at it lifts and empty chair but can't see where he put it down on the fallen guy's foot. Most people about behind the fallen guy, I'm in front. He's not getting up so I thought he was joking around. I say, "why are you like pinning him with the chair leg" and laugh. The guy moves it, but the guy on the floor gets up slowly and doesn't say anything, doesn't do anything. I try to ask if he's ok, I'm not sure if I say anything. I really hope he didn't think I was laughing AT HIM. A guy at an opposite table cheers, "he's okay!" I hope that showed the guy who fell we were all just worried.
Pretty soon after, a loud sound like a glass or silverware dropping, from an area close to where the guy fell, and people there clapped like something impressed had just been done. I hope that showed the guy people are being clumsy all over the dining hall.
I run into two other people from my HS, we talk about other people we've seen so far, they just saw AS. They gesture in a direction. Behind me is a doppleganger of a middle school teacher. They seem to think it might actually be her? I text my family the update, and my dad has simply responded "small world!" about AS but my other messages are all marked as sent.
I walk in the direction they pointed AS was. I don't see her, but I do see K2 with some friends. I nod at them even though their back is turned and I only recognize the guy who arrived earliest when she told them about the bunnies. I look for Gas some more, no dice.
I go to the sushi station. The line is the shortest it's ever been so I don't have time to pick up what I'm supposed to do. The person in front of me asks for a California roll and they just give it to them. An old person is behind them, I kind of turn to them to say I don't know what I'm doing, and when I turn back they're gone. I just wait for a bit and I think a chef indicates me in some way and I FUCKING SAY "A SUSHI ROLL" INSTEAD OF "A SALMON ROLL". I express my deep embarassment after he asks what I want and think to myself they should put me down in the town square for this. I text Gas but just say "kill me" after the mistake; gotta save that line for a good time. No response. So I walk away pretty quickly from that sushi station. I look for a place to sit, and I sit on the edge of a table where the other half is taken up by an Indian family. I can't tell if they are giving me weird looks or not. I pick up my first sushi and take a bit and a bit falls out and that's when I remember you're supposed to eat sushi with chopsticks. I didn't even think about chopsticks when I was walking away, but I definitely didn't see any right now. Their son comes back and he's closer to me so I get up. I'm walking toward the exit not sure what to do at this point. That's when I see the final seat to the left of the exit. There's a strip of booths along that wall and after the last booth there's a booth seat with another side. Without a table. Without, even, leg space. At the last booth a worker is sitting and I hope isn't judging me as I sit down in that perfect little Alone Spot. And, like a GROSS FREAK, I eat my sushi with my hands. After the second, I realize it's best to just pop the whole thing in my mouth (four rolls total).
As I'm leaving, I drop my mask on the ground and make direct eye contact with a random guy as I stand up. At my dorm hall, I pick up the little Lego branch that must have snapped off somebody's decor on moving day that I saw then and put on some stairs and move it to the inside lobby table. As I open my door, I realize my lips are tingling. Do I have a secret allergy to sesame or something else??? The rolls DID feel a little off. I text my roommate about basically all of this in one message. Luckily my lips feel better so I just say it's probably oral allergy syndrome (not that they know what that means) and it simply reminded me I need to train them on my EpiPens (except I actually have OviQs).
And as of now, 8:45, Gas has STILL not responded to my texts. Perhaps she's studying again? Ran right back to study when she left lying about getting more food?
So that's everything that just freaking happened AT DINNER on my SECOND FULL DAY of college.