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I burned myself (just a little) on the toaster today. I thought it like that when I was driving my mom to the airport shuttle bus stop. But I didn't say it to her. I could feel it, my hands in gloves on the steering wheel. I thought about writing a poem about it. Then I remembered I don't write poems anymore. So it'd be a Neocities blog entry. I was thinking this driving back alone, realizing it's just like Paterson, which we watched just the other day. It was different when I was writing it then. I started every sentence after the first with 'and', and I don't remember what followed to make that make sense. But this is what the story looks like now, I guess.
Evening of getting back from visting grandparents
I feel really great these days. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've felt that way since the semester ended. I was right in mid-November. It's better now. Everything is better :) I'm excited for my life -- my next semester, the things I want to do as a career, to see the world. I credit bupropion a lot, but the last semester & working with Alina is what made things actually get this good. I'm not sure how much heavy lifting the knowledge that I have ADHD did, but I think that was a big part of this turning point.
I started driving home on Saturday, and I felt happy. I felt so happy I smiled and thought it explicitly to myself, even though Ro had gotten kind of annoying. And I thought, my mom and I think therapists too, they said "you can't expect to always be happy," but I knew this was possible. I knew I could be happy for no reason, every day of my life. I guess they didn't understand how sad I was.
5:38 this is the first school shooting since I had that research kick last sememster, the first one I know people who go to the school, and I think the first one I've heard about as it's unfolding. Reports are saying many 20 people shot, don't know dead or alive, "mass casuality incident". As soon as I read her text I thought of Virgina Tech, as well as the UT tower shooting. He's knocking on doors trying to get to them, chained up the place. What if one of his friends dies. What if someone from my highschool dies. And will the violence come for me here next.
haven't been able to focus
I miss you sometimes. I spend these long and empty nights looking for you, in cracks and under corners, between the sheets and behind the stairs. Sometimes I still expect to see you everywhere I go. Sometimes I get lonely without you. I look up at the stars and I wish. I wish so feverently I feel I ought to be able to fly up to them and hug them. Sometimes they are begging me to come home. Alia, come home. Said the stars. Ground control to Major Tom. But here i am on Earth, forevermore. I don't wait for you. I don't wish for you. i keep watch for you. One day they'll all see. One day they'll miss you too.
Sometimes I wonder how far away it is. A mile? 200? Ten decades? A century? I lie beneath the sheets and count sheep until they're praying. In my prayers I say your name. In my dreams it's just the sheep. I'm not there anymore. Are you waiting for me? In heaven, where it rains? Or are we here on Earth still? Breifly gorgeous, painful poetry. All my notes are so integral; no one could ever catch everything otherwise if they weren't me.
One day I'll be a something. Just you see. I'll be a something and there'll be a place and it'll all be everything. Sometimes in my dreams we still play together, as kids. One time he said, "I don't miss you. I miss the thought of what we were." Everything that happened was crazy. We weren't people for so many years. I don't think anybody is anymore. There's nobody there there. Or whatever she said? I don't agree with Gertrude, or whatever he said. You'd need my bookmarks and history to get that one, what I was thinking there.
Sometimes I am afraid I am still that little girl falling, and your arms aren't there to reach out and catch me. At least there's something fathers are expected to do, I suppose. I am not sure if I ever was a little girl. I don't understand myself quite often. I lie awake asking, asking. I've written this so many times these phrases I turns over like dimes, the same, the same. Maybe it's just everything. Maybe it's just nothing. Maybe we're still on earth and breifly gorgeous. The next one wasn't relevant to me, so I didn't write it down. But I remember everything so clearly, the year the release the cover. I miss everything that was before. The 2010s died like a- like a... I do that all the time with myself too these days you know.
Maybe I could use this for my novel. The Great American Whatever. Do I just think in references all the time? I'm like jack manifold but for YA books and emo music. So sick so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick. Who could ever hate it? Who could ever hate you? It's the most awesomest thing that ever happened, it was so terrible. Fights and makeups and fights again. Maybe you shouldn't have tried to take a side. Whateverfor in the end after all. My novel isn't going anywhere. It hasn't been for a year, the year that it's been an idea at all. Whatever even happens in a book where everything happens and nothing matters? I spent half my life walking soulless in the desert and then I gave it up. Or whatever I used to write. I used to write. I used to write poetry, but then I gave it up.I was glad to be rid of it.
At college library loans last a semester. I just renewed it. I haven't finished it. I haven't been reading in months she says, I haven't been reading in eons. I couldn't keep to the responsibility I had given myself. And I couldn't stand to look through his pages and never hear about his son again. To me, it's the most influential quote anyone's ever said about DC. I can't do it from memory, I can promise you that, but it's like this: Washington DC is the most beautiful city in the world. It was so elegantly planned in that perfect grid. Even when I came back for the funeral of my oldest son, I couldn't help but notice how Washington D.C. is the most beautiful city ever. His son died of alcoholism but people though there might be foul play for a time. In a way there was, what's it called? Social determinates of health. I never finished reading that one. Maybe I'll give it a go over break. But anyways, he wouldn't have been such a terrible alcoholic if he wasn't being blackmailed to death by everyone for no reason. I had a dream about him the other week, where his brother wrote a book. And I was dying to get my hands on it, but I woke up and it didn't exist. The thing about Jeremy is that all is contemporaries are quickly dying. The funny thing is though, if they hadn't, what could I even have said? Dear Philip I was wondering about Jeremy's relationship with his father. Just personal curiosity. Yes, gossip basically. But gossip of historical importance! No i'm not a historian and I won't be writing anything of note about Jeremy. I jsut know the most about him of anyone in the world. I understand everything basically. Lately I've been getting a certain way through books, less than half, and then something stops me from ever picking them up again and I never finish and they langish in my Goodreads 'currenty reading' until I put them out of their misery and admit my defeat. Some times it doesn't make any sense. I don't know why I don't try harder. I don't know why I try.
Maybe it was loneliness that I gave up. After my half a year in the desert. I ate a sandwhich with my hands today and I can't get the smell out from under my fingernails. The odd bit is it's a familiar smell I used to associate with myself.
Maybe I'm just a kid wailing at the moon.
Maybe it never worked out. I can never quite tell. I'm in my robe and I never took my shower. I'm in my bed and I never slept a wink. I'm in my life and I never lived a day. I just waited to become you. But that was never going to happen. Sometimes I don't know what the point of this is. Sometimes I don't know how to bother.
I think I need to quit all of it. I don't want to miss out but what's even the point. Many other people have done it. I hope Ioanna never died. I still miss you. sometimes.
Well, things didn't quite work out. I felt pretty bad past few days. But I feel ok today and yesterday, so maybe it really was mostly overstimulation.
Sunday evening, at MI after weekend home, Family Day Saturday
Long time no see, eh? I think I used to blog here about stuff too personally detailed for my tumblr but I've both been blogging my personal stuff and have had less personal stuff. But the point:
I think today is the first day in my life I haven't been depressed.
Since before I started puberty, and I don't really mean it of course, but even though I've had pretty strong anxiety today I feel lighter. My possible ADHD not blocking me. I feel like I have a positive trajectory. I'm writing this down so maybe one day in the future I can look back and say today was the day it all started working. Today was the day there started being more good times, good days, than bad ones. I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. Doing my work today was the easiest it has ever been.
If I feel differently in 1-2 weeks and then feel good again in 3-4... well, let's hope that's not the case.
Friday - no classes. supposed to be focusing on my internship.
None of it bothers me as much as AUREA, because it's not a public website, but wow the instruction course for my internship's programs is bad. It's poorly written at times and clearly a work in progress in others. I don't think working in the nonprofit section is what's right for me at this pace unless I have the authority to just go it and put things the way I think they should be lol. I want to be associated with. work that I'm proud of the quality of lol.
Tuesday, the first day of classes and my second full day at MI.
I dyed my hair on Friday. Splat Rebellious Colors Midnight Indigo. It doesn't look much different, but I really like it because it's pretty much what I wanted. I'm already thinking about doing a tone of purple next. Then I wondered why I'm so happy with this when it's such a small appearance change, and I think it's because it was very present and physical. Even though the result was negligible, it was something I put sustained effort into, paying attention to myself and my physical surrondings. And afterwards, even though it's slight, it does leave a visible change, and as it fades it's something to sort of track time by.
Despite what I said in the last entry, I am only now collecting those today, January 23rd, 2026