Wednesday after finals
N. and his sister said he (my "crush") is mean/salty. Too bad. The stories they told, he seems to be rigid perhaps, low paitence so he just wants things down his way? Just mean/bitter, in that way that I understand. There's something wrong out/in your life, so you just do a few rude things because why the hell not. N. says he doesn't pull his weight in Math Team, which I've never noticed besides the soccer. N. doesn't even want him on the team, he seems to not like him, like genuinely was annoyed at him, but when I pressed they just said "he's salty in that way where sometimes you like him and sometimes you don't", so ig N.'s in the phase where he doesn't like him. From what I saw, I thought they were almost best friends. I guess they don't sit next to each other in Physics though, I should have put that together. N. said he just got captain for being friends with AK - I do think they're friends - maybe that's his best friend. TBH I think he didn't do soccer last year? or something because I remember him being in Math Team more. You know what's funny, I might be more elitist than he comes off as, since I look down at some of the people he is friends with and wonder why the smart ones associate with the trouble ones, but at the same time I would do the same for some of my friends from an outside perspective, so I suppose it's just the way things end up. I guess there's a spectrum, they're all smart, it just goes from Model Behavior (my crush) to Polite but Lazy but Smart Enough to Get Away with It (N.) to Loserkid Who Probably Vapes but Still Takes Honors Classes (Nathan from English class last year.... Run 3 every class, all class). N. said he's straight-up better than "crush" at math, which was a little surprising to me since he took Calc and even got the award in it, but N. kinda is a math genius -- he's not in a way that annoys you (K. kinda is), but he just Gets it all. I asked if my "crush"'s parents make him go to Math Team, and they said they don't know. (AAo was there too - she wants to be captain but I swear she shows up less than me, and everyone knows I am far from an integral memember of Math Team. I guess she scores though.) Maybe I should quit Math Team. I feel bad about how bad I am. I remember the day he said 'hi' to me... Hopefully I'll get over all this this summer.
Monday afternoon, a little hot but not really. Mostly sunny
He got the Harvard award AND another book award and I got nothing. Well, not quite nothing -- History Award :P. Both my parents say they got book awards. I missed my chance. I'll never live up to them. But if I start applying myself and working hard today, maybe I'll be somebody important, someone smart in the metaphorical tomorrow.
(That's what I thought last year. I didn't.)
Lots of tree nut free stuff out there now. Got to have TWO snacks today -- a super soft cookie and a kinda meh ice cream sandwhich.
I realized recently that beauty, wealth, smarts, it's all about the same thing -- wanting to be blessed. Naturally special, as a birthright by chance. Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with him; he's blessed.
In other news I'm totally going to watch (and/or read) Chainsaw Man this summer because Angel Devil. so me! I don't think I've ever related to a character as much as the little I know of him.
Friday afternoon -- it stormed when we were walking home but it's a quieter rain now
New pretty boy hahaha. This kid is unique in that I've really seen him go throw a glow-up as we got older -- he's in the same grade of K'ybJ, but while K'ybJ and other J have mostly stayed the same over the past four years & my "crush" I only noticed again after we grew up, he's gone from being quiet "Hat Man", friend of other J who would sometimes came to Magic Club, to being the best orator in theatre. He's stopped wearing that blue beanie all the time (I saw him wearing it a few times freshman year, but no more) and styles his hair in cool way. He's so much "cooler" now that I almost fear I misremember he was the same person as the kid in middle school. His voice probably dropped at some point, and it's the trait of his I most admire. Back at the musical, I did notice that he went from speaking to singing to half-rapping incredibly well, but I didn't notice-notice him then. There's an amazing "smoothness" to it that I guess is the main quality -- he has such good control and support. His features, now that I think about it, are similar to K'ybJ, but I think he looked whiter back in middle school? Or actually, maybe I wondered if he was half back then too. But I'm pretty sure he's actually just Slavic (those sneaky Slavs!). You could say I have a type, or you could say I have a type of guy I hope I would have looked like if I was born a guy...
Monday evening -- shades closed. dining room table
Ever since I've gotten my stupid ACT scores I keep checking my email like there's going to be something good in there. There's not. There never is.
"You" were at school the other day, just a quick visit, and I missed you. It sucks -- would have been nice to just say 'hi' to you again.
So much stupid homework my stupid brain can't do. Just work! Just work! Just work! I hate this stupid life and everything in it. Why don't we all just explode, huh? Why won't the sea monster in the core of the planet just burst it open and kill us all? Call that dumb and stupid. I keep thinking about who I could have been. I waste so much mental energy on that. Why bother! Why bother! You're you now, so give it up!! He's dead and you were born when you were born and everything so it doesn't matter! My god. I'll never be happy, I think some days. I wish I didn't. I wish I was better. I was I was fixed. I wish I just had one problem at that was it.
Tuesday afternoon, nice day, almost perfect temperature
Ah my "crush" will be in [redacted] this summer too, who knows if it's the same time, but what if I see him, that would be horrible. He just symbolizes how I'm not really [xx] and I'll just feel so out of place and everything. I only realized that second sentence now, wondering why it would be "horrible". I know he must see right through me -- I'm only half, my first time there, and even my mom has tourist-y tendancies in general, I'd just feel so fake in his presence. G-d, this is really a lot of points in the "I want to be him in an way tied to my ethnic/racial identity" category for 'wtf is it about me and This Guy.' I remember the time I saw him at H-Mart... before the "crush" but it was still weird, it's always been weird since I realized I practically bullied him back when we were frienemies at the ripe young age of like, seven. G-d, I was an awful child but I really was just a child too, you don't know what you're doing at that age... I wish I could go back and start over again, with just a tiny bit of the knowledge I know now so I'm not so horrible to people.
Midday free. In the library with M., Cd/M, Lil A, and Nan. M. Good weather - sunny and warm.
This is wild -- I saw him again today. I looked and glanced away because I didn't want to stare but he was outside & I was inside, so I looked for a little bit more, and guess what... I felt nothing. He was not so strickingly handsome I wanted to look more. No feeling in my chest. Maybe it was the angle or the lighting or the fact that he was far away, but the aro-"crush" cycle is WILD.
2:30 am of Prom night
I am insane I am insane I am insane. I want to look at him but when I do I feel something so strong I have to look away + I don't want to stare. It feels just like a crush, I think, it must be a crush, but I don't want anything to do with him, I don't want to kiss him or date him or dance with him. I want to be him. But that's literally impossible; our bodies are so different. I wish I was him I wish I was him I wish I was him. I pointed him out to my mom at pre-prom and she basically said he's very handome now, that his features are still thin or something and now "chiseled". I saw him with a slightly unbuttoned shirt. I feel insane. He's so tall and thin and I'm short and wide and busty not really fat but heavy... I can never look anything like him so what's like. even the point in transitioning. He's so much... more.. than me. I'm defeating colorism by wishing I had his skin that looks like my mother's /j. I think I mentioned how he cut his hair a while back and it looked worse so I thought The Feeling(s) was/were over but nooooo. I guess the hair's grown a little but SERIOUSLY. HIM. He still brushes all his hair back with his hand, scoops it back, and then lets it all fall back in place. It must be so soft. His hair is so thick. My hair is so thin. I'm probably going to go bald even though I'm AFAB, like seriously my hair is super thin and I loose it like crazy. If I got an undercut you would just be able to see my scalp.
This is so different from Ari. (re: thinking of you) because I was friends with her and we talked and then I told her and then it all went away and I didn't want anything more but like in the middle of it I probably would have dated her tbh... I thought about it I think. I thought about her a lot. I remember listening to "Love at First Sight" and thinking about her. I only think about him when he's around or like now, when I'm thinking about how I think about him. But I also started noticing A.F. today, and there's a long history for N. too... But still, he's the only one I feel insane about, and it's all in my head! The only real crush symptom I have is shyness -- one of the songs was like "you make my heartbeat go so fast" or whatever and I literally don't for him! Nothing! TBH maybe a little from my manufactured excitement but butterflies in my stomach? Nada! Nil! Nothing! And I'm doubting this now but I saw him a bunch tonight and seriously no, I didn't feel like that. I just.. there was a feeling in my chest but it wasn't normal longing, not the way from fanfictions. Maybe it's jealousy... Maybe it's insanity lmao heh ahhhhhh. Maybe he's just actually insanely good-looking, like famous star handsome, and I'm the only one whose caught up in it. I'm going to start asking people who they think the hottest guy in our school is. Gather some data.
Also FK MR. DOUGLAS!!! I tried to hide my face in every photo he took. It is BEYOND irrational that they let him to another dance after he took all those upskirt photos last year. (To any readers: They were accidental (of girls sitting down) but shared with the whole class + parents, and he's Black.)
Wednesday, evening, after the band concert
I used to have this thing where I would write down moments, quotes, memories I truly enjoyed so I wouldn't forget them. I've been writing funny quotes but I just wrote a full moment for the first time in a while. You see, I got this "My Favourite Moment of the Day" journal in a raffle I don't think I even signed up for but I only ever used it a little but I remember the moments, you know. But yeah, maybe thing are going to get better again.
Not much else. It feels like it's been a while since I last updated, but actually it's just that I had a stretch of updating a lot. I'm into kakurasu now. Only #46, but I haven't finished 7x7, and haven't gotten to 8x8 and 9x9 yet.
I was going to put it into a Tumblr post, but I guess it makes sense to put here instead. This is about K'ybJ. He's just good because his mom made him start young but he's still good enough that I felt grateful to be able to play with him tonight. Absence makes the heart grow fonder haha-- he didn't show up until rehersal was over and I was like, "We/I can't do this without him." He carries our section lol, it's more like he's the section leader. not in a managerial sense, but that he just is the loudest and the best and I know I at least follow his lead. I feel really bad for them though, the siblings. Their mom is low-key abusive and SUPER controlling -- last I knew K hadn't been able to explore college on her own because her mom is pushing one school so hard. Anyways J is kinda hot even though he's a bit of a miscreant lol, would never tell either of them that. I've actually thought he's good-looking since I first met him... (I had to search to remember miscreant and it's a bit strong, he's just a little unruly, you know.) I thought he was a pretty boy back then, I think he had longer hair. I don't remember the context, but I said in a discord server "apparently boys who look like your dream girlfriend are real, and my friend's little brother is one of them." I thought I was sapphic back then I think. Now I can delete that screenshot yay haha. Oh the second part is "We had band together today and I just-- he makes a great girl". Dated 03/05/2020 -- must be March 5th, by my discord's standard. Weird, I have no idea why I would comment on it that day. Even if I was allo, I wouldn't want to date him though -- first for the delinquancy, second for me being his older sister's friend.
Wednesday, I've been so tired. It's sunny. I'm in the school library. It's warm these days.
I thought of you today. Or really, yesterday. We played music from your favourite movie. I wish I had never tricked myself into having a crush on you, because I think maybe then we would have stayed in touch. But it wasn't really so awkward, I don't know. I don't think I really had a crush on you, but I might have. I might have. I know I chose you first, I always chose them first. I know I thought about you a lot. So maybe it's true. Maybe it was all true.
We don't go to the same school anymore. I wonder if one day you'll be famous. But I don't listen to enough classical music to ever find that out.
He doesn't seem so pretty to me anymore. Still very cool, but maybe that's over too.
"You just have to push through," he said, and smiled at me. "okay," I said, and laughed a little. I can see why he's class president for their grade. Maybe I do like boys.
Friday, cloudy. End of a very tired week. Free before lunch
I'll probably have to do homework tonight -- double shift tomorrow, and two tests at the beginning of next week. I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep. I wish I was more satisfied with my body. I wish I was taller. I wish I was leaner. I wish I was born a boy. I wish I was somebody else.
That's the truth of it, actually, I don't think I like him all that much; I wish I was like him. (The other boy, my "crush.") Anyways, completely within my post-hardcore arc. Been reading King Lear for that one Chiodos song. G-d, I wish I didn't have to live like this. I want to sleep. I wish I had more hours in a day.
Thursday, unnaturally warm. Slightly cloudy. Same time as last.
I was actaully thinking about making a blog post earlier today, but decided against it. But! My crush greeted me at Math Team today! I was watching my little brother walk away and mousily walking through part of the door... so I probably seemed really silly and awkward.. but he said "hello" to me!
Speaking of being mousey, yesterday Ms. P. saw me sitting outside (bc COVID), alone (ONLY day when I have no friends who eat with me outside), eating an Oreo with two hands extremely mousily -- that meaning, brown coat, hood up, arms tight, head down, back hunched, both hands on the single Oreo (because cold). Unrecoverabled reputation hit (I tried to look up and say "hi," but she already turned away), but I farm pity from book-lovers anyways lol.
Thursday, cloudy day, nearly 5 o'clock.
My crush spoke to me today! (Still aromantic/arospec/greyromantic. Either you get it or you don't, and if you don't, f*ck off and never cite me for your aphobic BS because it's a 1000 times more complicated than you could ever understand. Literally there's history going back 10 years and at least three different reasons for my general (not (just?) romantic) interest in him.) He may have been trying to speak to C/dM but I responded and he responded back. (Look, I'm embracing my inner teenage straight girl.) And then I promptly avoid eye contact in the hall later because I'm a freak! I'm a weirdo! And speaking of what am I doing here, I went to Math Team b/c I skipped last week and it was a meet! And they only had 10 people there so I had to compete on B Team and I didn't fail miserably!! Also he said my name and addressed me again and I wonder if something changed. (Yes, I made the last-minute descision to go to be with him longer...) But he also said not to call him a nickname to someone else because it "brings back bad memories" and I uh. called him a similar nickname back when we were friends. Can't believe I've been awkward and rude and insecure since I was SEVEN years old...and younger tbh... like I thought the Thing in middle school was a Middle School Thing but uh. No I've just always been like that. Either I self-improve (trying, I guess? I'm sooo. awkward? rude?), or I've just been destined to be lonely and insecure lol. Anyways. yeah. Best of the best! Your Favourite Tragedy, Weibo Chemtrail.
Monday, after dark, on my bed
Oh, I hadn't realized it had been a full month since I wrote one of these.
I've been writing again, lately. Or I'm starting to, I think. For a while I wasn't, but now I wake up and I go to bed with words at the front of my mind. I think listening to my old Voice Memos, my old words, helped somehow. Also some nice fanfics. Today was only okay but the surronding days were nice. I'm goint to try to memorize "A Grand Day Out" again.
Friday. Middle of the day. It is snowing outside, but it is not so cold enough that it does not melt when hitting the ground. Went back to rain for a short bit while I was outside eating; is now snow again.
In library next to AL YT (reading) bc Nan. and M. went to lunch. Looking at the snow reminds me of one day I recorded it last year, from the Commons... If only it weren't for COVID, I would have many memories in the Commons, looking out the window, sitting with my friends... three years on and COVID still is changing my life.
Speaking of which, my mom is still slightly positive with symptoms, but my dad is clear and back at work. Been sturggling to get my work done -- I mean, right now I should be doing physics or math HW, just like I should have for the past week.
Instead, I've been reading a lot of Death Note. I've recorded this other places so I won't tell the full story, but I started reading Death Note and actually super enjoy it! So yeah, I'm a Death Note fan now lol. Somehow. But it's good, it's fun, it's just that I enjoy reading it so much that when I start, I push aside my work in order to not stop.
Thursday. Four? days since my mother tested positive. Oddly warm in the middle of a cold week. Almost evening.
It would have been nice if I wrote one of these every day I was trapped in my room. Oh well. Mainly I just want to write one right now because I just went for a bike ride and forgot to wear a helmet. I turned back as soon as I realized but I was 2/3 of the way to CVS! I could have died!! :(((((((
Middle of the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. In the stairwell. It's sunny outside. I am sitting in the shade.
Things are... Well, they are as they are. I was very nervous last night and this morning to present my English essay, but I couldn't raise the nerve to riase my hand, so I didn't go and I now I'll have to wait until after Thanksgiving.... I hate this. I was cramming my math review at the beginning of English and K. helped me, which was good because otherwise I would have missed a question, but I think I made a mistake on the first section and Ms. P. would not let me take it back. So I turned in my second section but once I was back in my seat I realized that knowning that I couldn't check over the first, I now had just given up about five more minutes I could have used to check the second. So that was bad thing 2. And possibly three or maybe four. There's a lot going on these days. Anyways, after this, I was understandably growing fairly upset, but I didn't pack my earbuds today (because I broke my brother's and am lending mine to him) so I can't even listen to the Jake G. upsetty songs I crave. And then I go look for my dad to vent about these things, and Ms. C is venting to him about issues of much greater importance, so now here I am under the stairs. I will go eat lunch and then take up Ms. K on her offer to hang out in her room before I take my second test today... the trials of life...
Sunny Friday at the end of an oddly warm week. The forest is orange, but some of the trees in front of the school are already bare.
Feel like I'm about become an anime girl and run away, glittering teardrops falling out of the corners of her eyes. It's just been. Really. Today. I had a free during Mandarin so I went to Classical Lit, and it's offical, I regret my choice. Is this just what life is? Really? Awkward encounter with Ms. Cowell -- you know I fking wish I never did anything for the middle school newspaper. I just want to play Genshin while listening to Hasan or draw emo Diluc but life. Life gets in the way. I just.
It goes and it goes. It's November??? Oh G-d, it's Novemeber. Only a month left for Scholastic.
These things happen, they said. And so they did.
Do try to keep your head up. ~ChemicalTragedy
Fall day damp from the days previous. It is nighttime now. The roads had few others on them. The air of death has entered the trees.
I know it hasn't been long since my last update, but I went to a small party tonight so I really wanted to! It was partically organized by a good friend of mine, and it was really nice to just have the affirmation that they want me around, that we're still good friends and they like me. I've been very insecure lately. I did some drag countour but the party was inside so I wore a mask the whole time! But I texted a photo to NA afterwards :). I've been thinking about college a little again, in terms of social scene... Coming out, etc. You know what's funny, is that in 8th grade, I had a teacher say that I would "really find my footing" or something in High School, and then once I was in highschool an old middle school teacher of mine ran into my mom and said I'd do that in college! Who knows. I think this town may be getting too small for me. I'm very picky about who I'll respect more than just tolerate and my friends just aren't perfect anymore, and it's been that way forever, but maybe it's just been so long with a list of what I don't like in my head that that's lead to my mental distance now. I want a new name, but it's hard to pick :(. Best, ChemicalTragedy.
A wet Tuesday when the leaves are orange. It has been raining lately, and likely will again, but not at this moment.
Hi gamers! I've been meaning to write an update for a bit now, and I have a LOT of things I should do at this moment, so it's the perfect time!
First of all, one of my closest friends has stopped wearing a mask and it's very upsetting to me. In the past three weeks, we've had at least two teachers out with COVID, and likely a good amount of students. Transmissions rates have plateaued at significant levels in our area for the past... MONTHS. and NOTHING has changed. Along with her support of a teacher who has proved himself to be unsuited to his job, I'm honestly very disappointed in her and feel betrayed, and it's making me want to rethink our friendship. I have been very emotionally unstable for the past weeks (as evidence in my last entry), and I do believe this has been a major factor why.
Speaking of which, I guess this week has maybe been better so far? But it's just started and I feel a little behind in my work, so I'm worried.
I thought I had more things to say when I started this, but I guess not. Scholastic is coming up and I have a good amount of base material now, just need to put it all together....
Oh well. I found a Great Gatsby fanfic last night that seems pretty good -- I'm off to read that.
A Saturday of perfect fall weather.
Another month gone by... wow. Homework has been really good up until this weekend and I'm VERY nervous that this signals the beginning of the downhill and I'm just going to loose it after this, but hopefully not. I think I need more sleep but as much as I hate waking up, I do not want to go to bed. Apparently Jack Manifold was an ass at the Twitchcon panel, which is really disappointing but it's nothing so horrible that I'm going to stop watching him. Update: I'm sure the Tina thing is shitty but I just watched the George kiss and he was very clearly smiling... no I don't think this is "predatory behavoir"...
PSAT next weekend and I haven't spend enough time practicing this weekend (no time at all). Been getting more into hardcore music lately. I told Alex but they didn't understand -- thought it was more gay stuff but these guys are actually borderline misogynistic. Oh well.
I dunno.
Who am I supposed to be, anyways? How am I supposed to do any of this? I can't hear myself think in this world. I can't feel myself hope in this world. I have a thousand ideas and will not finish a single one of them. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?
Are you lonely? Are you lonely? ARE YOU LONELY? ARE YOU LONELY ARE YOU LONELY AREYOULONELY AREYOULONELYAREYOULONELYAREYOULONELYARYOULONELY
Sorry. The demons got to me. Who am I supposed to be?
Oh well. I'll figure it out. Eventually. Hopefully before the end of the world.
School started! (This page is effectively anonymous so I suppose I'll be honest that I am of an age that goes to school.) I have open-campus priveledges now... feels weird. Too close to graduating! So far, not a lot of homework, haha. I expect it will get much worse though. I am TRYING to be more organized this year!
Not many major updates... became a bxg lol. I don't know how long the interest will hold me but frfr. I have been trying to dress nicely, the way I want to, now that school has started, and I am happy so far! Which reminds me, I need to set aside my pictures day outfit... try on the shirt with this necklace ("this" because I am wearing it now). I would very much like to go shopping but I am at the point in my life (lol I know that sounds weird from someone in school... I've stopped growing for like three years, and since I won't outgrow stuff, anything now will last me at least until I graduate) when I would like to look for quality-over-price goods and I'm not sure where to begin. Also I would like to buy male clothes (I have the urge to get a binder that comes and goes) so I would rather not go with my mom...
Let's review the summer list though! I did NOT develop this website further. I DID practice piano. I've read a little in the past few days but summer was already over so I don't think that counts. I have been driving places!! I pulled out the guitar TWICE. And I did NOTHING towards either of the parts of the last goal! Maybe I should write a little now... 再见！
Bug Bite Chronicles (3 entries, early August)
Returned from trip to grandparents' house in American South. Realized as writing this that this will not make a lasting diary the way a physical one will. Oh well. Supposed to be "blog" anyways.
Anyways, at their house, I didn't do much. Really, just was on my phone a lot. If I was a character in a book (and it weren't for the pandemic), I'm sure this week would have changed my life, but in reality it has not. Camped there and back -- now showered and feeling good. We will go to family reunion in Northeast overmorrow and then return for close cousins next weekend. I will switch out my phone case for the isolated case of the combination "wallet" that said cousins gave me -- made dire, silly mistake of adding pride stickers to both cases, but luckily not on inner case of combination wallet.
Finished The World of Yesterday on ride home and once home. Will possibly add full, uncensored review to new blog-review subsite, though I think I planned for Queers to be the inagural post. (Beanstack must be PG, I suspect, and Goodreads must be Not Too Gay.)
Further summer goals: