I made a note on my computer, I think early in the year, and it said
8:44PM. Been a slow week after last week's busy. Being on my period is like being sick; I just need to rest.
At the end of my senior year of high school, I performed "Rusalka" by Don Nigro. You probably haven't heard of the play or him -- he's a very prolific play writer but not a very popular one. My two friends, A and A, were co-directing it and I was playing opposite a kid in my brother's grade, making for four people involved total. (There was another kid who did the lights for us, but that was just one meeting.) I got along real well with K, the kid in my brother's grade. We had met a few times before and I thought we would. We probably had acting "chemistry," just a little, I don't really know what that is.
One of the As was a transman, K was nonbinary, and I was bigender/genderqueer, making a very genderqueer production where the other A being a cisgirl was outnumbered. And we didn't talk about it at all, but I think it added something. And that's why I think it's so fake and useless when people try to do stuff like "trans actors encouraged" or whatever and try to MAKE something a "trans-welcoming environment". Cuz when you're actually all trans it just is that way and you don't need to say anything about it. But I noticed wild misgendering around that time -- I still go by my birth sex's default pronouns, so it doesn't really kill me or anything when people just use that, but A (trans) would call K she/her, even when we had a contact spreadsheet that included pronouns and K had only put he/they, and when I hung out with others friends in that group with A & A they would call A (trans) by "they", but as far as I know he only uses he/him. I just checked his Insta bio and that's how it is. And I think they had started de-gendering and making assumptions about him since after he cut his hair and changed his name and started wearing more masc clothes at the beginning of high school he hadn't "progressed" his transition any more since then. When I bought my binder I talked to him about them and he said he didn't really wear his anymore. After that I noticed it was true and he didn't. But anyways I, who had just cut my hair to an androgynously short length a few months ago, was playing a man in the play, and K, who had been out and fairly masc-androgyne for as long as I recognized them, was playing a girl, and they said it was the first time they had worn a dress in a long time. And so even though we didn't talk about it, that was an aspect of our performance.
As seniors, me and A & A all were done with school before K, a few weeks into the one-act "season" or whatever but since we had AP exams the first two weeks it really felt like just the beginning. I was done with school and we were still going back to practice the play; it was strange. Later that summer, I tutored the principal's kid so he could catch up a few years to take high school Mandarin and I came back to the school all summer long. But so basically, I got off school, I had this busy week when we were rehearsing and I had all these senior activities, I graduated, had my actual ceremony, and in the middle of the next week we performed the play. And right at the end of that first week, I got sick. I don't know when exactly: I graduated on Friday, and I think I was feeling fine then, if anything just a little cough I didn't fully notice yet, I went to a party in the morning and hung out with friend the next evening, and I think then I had a scratchy throat, I remember that, and the next day, Sunday, I was so sick I didn't go to two other parties. But I had a play rehersal that I had been bad at scheduling and that was why I didn't go to the first party and I did go to that.
I just got sicker and sicker the next few days, and I had already started tutoring that kid in Mandarin and my voice was weak then and weak during rehersals. I brought my water bottle with me to all that stuff, it was so scratchy and dry. The illness was all in my throat, I mean my nose was a little stuffy, but it really felt localized compared to other illnesses I've gotten.
So the day of the play, we do a dress rehersal onstage with the other Senior-Directed One Act groups. And I'm saving my voice because I know it's weak, I'm a little late and I have my water bottle and my stuff with me, I know I'm not speaking loud enough and all the theatre kids are probably worried my performance is going to suck but I'm doing it on purpose. And then when we perform, I give it my all. The sickness had made my voice deeper and I liked it, I really liked it, and I'm trying to get enough air support and I just yell through it at the end and I'm having a good time.
And the next day, when I try to speak, I can't say a damn word. It just won't come out of my mouth. At first I can't make any sounds at all. And so the funny thing is, it felt like I lost my voice for a full week, but I'm looking at my calendar now and that Saturday CdM had his graduation party and I knew I went and I knew I talked at it. But then I see Monday I met my roommate and I know I warned her I was sick and I was sniffling then. But, well, actually, I think his graduation party was cancelled; I think I'm just remembering his birthday party. Well now, I've checked our messages and it wasn't cancelled, but I do know one or the other had plans surronding it changed, and I told him I maybe wouldn't come because I was sick so now I'm fairly certain I didn't. So that makes sense. And if I was still a little hoarse with my roomate, now that seems like a significant amount of time that lines up with my memory. But the real funny thing is my grandfather had just gone down to my cousin for her graduation and come back up for mine, and it turned out she ALSO got sick and lost her voice for a week, just the week before me!
The play itself was bizarre but I liked it, it was a bit supernatural and intense. My character, I was the police detective and K was the friend of this girl who had gone missing -- well, the girl was a Rusalka, a "Russian fairy girl like a nymph who lives in the water" and I was maybe-probably the Devil himself. "There is no love in Hell," K accuses as Lydia, and I slam the table and stand up and say, "That's not true! Hell is full of love. Love is the suffering that lasts for all of eternity." And I did some messy hand gestures here because I felt I shouldn't stay still but they never developed to feel entirely right either. K had a lot of good lines, I was a bit jealous at times. "The Devil HATES a Rusalka who falls in love." I added a line based off misunderstanding when A (trans) read the script to me when A & A were still just considering it, and it took half the practices to make a delivery that actually felt in character but then it was great, it was good! "Has she ever been in a mental institution?" "I don't know." "Have you?" "Not that I can remember. Have you?" "Not that I can remember." I like it when characters interchange like that. The delivery was mocking, by the way, then it all worked out. "Tangles them in her long red hair and drowns them."
So that was my introduction to the Rusalka, and the play I performed right after I graduated high school that I'll always remember. "The Devil's coming, she said, hold me, she said. And all night you prowled round and round our house while the Devil's blood rained down." Or something. "For one thing, when you first came in here, you were completely covered in blood." We never worked out how to show the blood so we didn't, but we did have the spotlights gradually fade red the whole play. "It was the Devil's blood! Last night it rained the Devil's blood!" "I don't think so..."
"She's a Rusalka, you can't kill her! Unless sometimes, on very rare occasions, if she falls in love and isn't loved back, she'll die. But that not what happened!
Tuesday, beautiful weather
Day I went to [amusement park] with Lil' A. 'Caberet' there, FOB and MCR back. Screaming rides. Chatting about college and our families. This song is for today, for you Lil' A, though I'm far from in love with you. Driving in your car/speeding through sky blue/I'm in love with something new/something positive/political/and too good/to be true
Saturday, midafternoon, sunny
You're 18 and sitting on the steps in the backyard eating a vanillia pudding cup. You've been in your room all week. You've been sick all week. You're 18 and you've just been sick all sick in the middle of June right after you graduated. And you're so empty.
Wednesday, evening, after one-act performance.
This was gonna be a tumblr post but it felt wrong: there's like meta-narrative symbolic meaning to this sickness i've got right now because my voice is totally fried now and naturally is coming out lower but when speaking to my parents i'm trying to use my normal voice subconciously bc like idk i'm afraid of transistioning in front of them and i'm happy with the deeper voice but a lot of time it's actually painful to speak in my usual range or it just won't come out. however just as i'm making this post i give a big cough, exhaling a hum in my normal range, and the feeling on my throat goes away, so my voice may be going back to normal :( It's like it feels empty and contracted now in comparison. I can still move it back down though at least.
Wednesday. Pleasant outside but HOT inside the Field House
Senior Awards Night. The boy I'll never be swept again. I got High Honor Roll, like 75% of my grade, National Merit Letter of Commendation, and Mandarin 5 award. Shafted from National Chinese Honors Society because of that one meeting I missed. Poor CG -- have I never mentioned her before? I think before she came out -- well they were using her full legal name because her family was there and the navy award "Mr"'d her. Well congrats to her for winning so much but to be deadnamed so much, I feel bad. Lil'A got a history award, only other thing of note was that Keira M surprisingly swept art and English. J-rod BETTER get the reading award next year in their grade though, I can't think of anyone else more perfect.
I need to start my Williams diaries. Then I'll have given something of worth to the world. I think I have an empty unused subject notebook from last year? Might have some writing in it I can upload and tear out.
Friday, last day of school
I underfilled my breakfast plate but then I overate trying to feel full. Actually, I think it might be how oily the bacon was. Anyways I think I've actually overcome my "crush" (possibly by "loving" JC?), but he sat directly behind me at the breakfast so that's still memorable.
I was overwhelmed with emotion and the funny thing is, I stood there not understanding what I was feeling, hugging my mother, and I thought for a moment that I had never felt anything before in my life until this indescribeable overwhelmingness. It was like a deep sadness in some ways, and I was crying, holding back tears, but it wasn't just there. I couldn't understand it.
Memorial Day, cloudy.
This is my last week of school. Today I lied on the couch all day because of my period cramps. I read all of Dear Wendy then spent some time playing Reverse 1999 and then more time scrolling through the Reddit.
High school being almost over is very hard to confront. I'm working on wrapping up Demolition Duo, which I spent a lot of time in high school writing. I'm back in the Dan and Phil fandom, which brought me to Tumblr at the beginning of my freshman year. I think I'm happier than I used to be, but I also feel sadder. I just remember that for so long all I wanted to read and write about was sad/angst/destruction/mental illness. I was going through my Ao3 "Marked For Later" and removed a few tntduo fics just because I don't think I could stomach the pain anymore. I don't know if I'll miss the people around me -- my friends. I was thinking of them but I couldn't even call them that. I don't know if I feel loneliness anymore. Aplatonicism has done a lot for me.
I am lonely, all the time. Let me lie about this: I'm lonely day and night, I'm lonely in my bed and on my bike, in my head and on a hike. I'm lonely when I look at you and I'm lonely when there is no you. "And all I think about/is where you might be" ("and when I'm swalled down/I say it's for you, yeah").
What I am is hungry. We didn't have lunch today. Only pancakes for breakfast and an apple an hour ago.
I'd like this turn this post into a blog entry here, it's better suited to that. I'd like to make my "reviews" subpage. I love reviewing things. Hey, that's something I like, at least. Oh gosh, "faded blue hair" by Jake G. is really hitting hard. He's got it unlisted so here's the link: x. I don't like the covers for his new songs. It's all sickly and unnatural in the greens. That's all for today.
Rainy Thursday. Post APs
Does anybody want to be my interenet boyfriend for my last month of high school? I'm so desparate to be loved whole and as I am, a boygirl manwoman ladygentleman asexual greyromantic who will give back even though I likely won't feel back. I dreamed of a classmate kissing me last night, a boy who wasn't my crush (but I do think is very handsome-pretty, I've noticed him before) (he has a girlfriend lol). In the dream I was excited but when I closed my eyes it didn't feel like anything and I didn't know how to kiss. Boys in real life don't turn to arms and lips when your brain doesn't need to simulate them anymore but it still felt like a confirmation that it wasn't for me, and I broke the kiss to tell him I was asexual and in real life I've always planned to say "but I'd love to anyways", but in the dream he dissappeared and then there was the Conan Grey album vats of ooze (idk I've dreamed of them before...), but before that it still felt so good to be finally wanted.
Thursday, should be in bed
Bestie is going to Harvard!!! This is very advantageous FOR ME because now I have a reason to go to the city!! He's so incredible I KNEW ae deserved to go to some place prestigious. I hope they do well in the culture there tho, it might be continue their stress.
Had a bad afternoon, notes in my diary. Emo future 同學 responded they do NOT hate me for being a Parxie! no mention of it yay. Status assorted notes, edited: when I grow up i'm going to get myeslf a really big stuffed animal. very indulgent. who knows where i'll live, where I can keep it... i don't want to live anywhere but home :( (only problem is it won't be my home anymore as I grow.) very stressed from some emails too - i haven't felt this anxious in years i think. (re: the bad mood). I'm trying to stay off tumblr so I have more to say here :P
Wednesday, switching between cloudly and sunny. Rained in the afternoon. After dinner.
He's going to the same town as me... a different college and mine is MASSIVE so like I'll probably still never see him again but I was thinking he would be far away. Also I really thought he would get somewhere impressive... not that the school he went to is bad, it's a top liberal arts school (tbf liberal arts schools are less well known) but I didn't see him as that type, cuz his major is comp sci. Whatever. It's insane this started with me noticing he was "高富帅" three years ago and is still going on... I'll try again to stop caring cuz I always claimed I would be able to. I mean it never works because I don't actually... but hey it worked with AMC back in middle school it worked subconicously as soon as I knew I didn't have a chance it went away. She's still never followed me back on Instagram... probably hates me :P whatever lolz
Monday after break. Sunny but a bit chilly. Afterschool.
I walked into English class and saw him again and I'd almost forgotten about him -- I barely thought about him over break, and he was gone before for the Spain trip--, and I would think that would mean I don't care anymore. But I saw him and I cared. He smiled at some point and I saw only half of it behind JC but he looked really happy.
Committed to college! Here's to hoping the college town life isn't too boring if said town is rural... Things OK otherwise. Break was well needed and went mostly good. Solid mall trip the other day :D
Wednesday. Lunch block - not hungry due to my late start. Overcast weather, was hailing up until now.
The two rightmost curtains have been pulled down, giving my library nook an air of gloom and amplified seclusion, as befitting the weather. Luckily the small side widnow and a matching smidge perpendicular to it have no curtains, letting in some natural light still. I can feel that the air outside is cold. It almost feels drafty at time, a coldness brushing me, but these windows are obviously vell well insulated; double pains and sealed at every corner and edge.
I had my first three classes free as well as no advisory due to it being a Wednesday. Furthermore, my mother went out for a denist appointment, so I had a very relaxed morning, beginning with lying in bed, some Tumblr usage, then making and eating my own breakfast (banana in cereral as well as Nutella on toast). I putzed around and started sewing up some pants of mine before I had to leave. It was then that I got "Never Had the Chance" stuck in my head, which seems to have overtaken me with a mood matching the weather by now, an hour later. I did not speak to myself at home, feeling that it was too much energy, yet on the walk I sang a little. When I opened the door, I thought for a moment there was a great wind I could not feel blowing about a great a many very dried leaves that I could not see. You see, I am not used to the sound of hail. From inside the house, the hail was small and light enough that I thought it to be rain. As I approached the school, I noticed there were more large pieces of hail, bringing me to question if the longer fall at the bottom of the hill was the reason why. A silly idea. Regardless, I did not put on my mask until I had to and felt myself quite alert and invigorated by the chill air. I arrived a little before class began, and ended up in the library for a few minutes after following my dad to his office. It was then, I suppose, that the lethargy inhabited my body, as I found myself attempting to be frozen with one arm slung over the soft chair. I was not acknowledged by three acquaintances of varying levels of familiarity until after a few minutes.
But for once, I had been looking forward to starting math class, believing that I was of in an optimal temperment to learn the math. I suppose things must have begun to decline when I realized that not only had I not done the optional work I was going to, I also had not finished the groupwork-homework. We spent nearly all of class going over it, and I don't feel any more enlightened now. We have a test tomorrow - I do believe I am going to fail.
JC back in school but not recovered. Young J burst into a coughing fit when he tried to laugh. Ms. C was clearly frazzled and had a great a many things go wrong for her, including her glasses breaking (which I believe were reading glasses at least, by her comment that she had more pairs in the office).
We sat on the steps and cried because our lives were over before they had even begun. We were wasted. Desolate. Everything to do, we had already not taken the oppurtunities to get done. All the good books had been read, or else were impossible for us to read now, so unfocus, unmotivated we were. What was left to think about? We had 16, 18, less, more - our years of thinking filled and over with.
How can you live past what you already know? Every day is a new one but after this the life will be new too. And yet you are never someone else. I said that once. There was something else I said I was going to say again but I forget, of course.
We were bookish, quiet, thoughtful girls (and everything else of me). It was in my blood. You sat on the steps in Corsica, the concrete, the solid metal bars. I didn't anywhere. I was at the dining room table. I was in my room. I was hugging my mom. I wasn't anywhere.
We sat on the steps and we were yet to graduate and we were soon to leave and we were 18, 16, who knows, maybe the story was a lie. But I look like you. Even half-Chinese, I look just like you. I read under the bed with a flashlight like you. I was going to be educated, like you were. We lived in different world but it was the same world over time and distance. That might have been the worst part -- 70 years earlier and it could have been me with the Algerian handmade lace curtians. It could have been me moving to an island, born on an island. It could have been me watching brothers join the KMT. It could have been me running out to the beach after school, dirt road, small books, throwing off shoes, wet sandcastles. It could have been me denied the family farm, off to Germany, off to America. It could have been me without a Ph.D. And it likely will be.
There was nothing left to dream for at our age; we were already at the age where we knew dreams don't come true ("Always A Wish"), and we were well before meaningless purpose was inflicted upon us through typical life. "Just a star fading/burning/making/burning through my own frustration." Thank you With Confidence.
I was too quiet. Didn't want responsibility, trouble. "But nothing will ever happen to you." (RW&RB) I don't want anything to happen to me. Lock me away. Of course I'll get bored. Of course I'll be sad. What else is there to life?
I was 17, but I wasn't anymore. I had been 17. When I first heard the song, "Icarus" (With Confidence again), I wasn't 17 yet. It was a while off. In fact, I'm pretty sure I first heard the song a ways before I fell in love with the band. "Face the sun." Step out and feel the sun on your face again. "Questions and Answers" was a good piece of mine, I wrote it all in an afternoon, August 8th, 2022 it says, vaguely inspirsed by the author at the writing camp who had turned old Yahoo Answers into poetry. I was 16 when I wrote it, apparently. That makes sense. But the force of my bitterness did not end the world. I just became a bitter 17 year old. A bitter 18 year old. My cousin just turned 20. I'll be 20 soon. Will I be happy? Can I ever be someone else?
I thought I would find the thing I was going to quote earlier in one of my phones. I don't know. It might have been someone else. I don't think it was actually me who wrote it. I never wrote anything.
I didn't want to be someone else. That was a lie. Am I lying? It was all the same in the end. Just another ...
Well, they said all kinds of things. I didn't believe any of it. I believed everything I was told back then. I was just who I was. I was just who I was.
It bothers me, that I can't remember what I was going to quote. That the first paragraph is always the best. There's the song "Wasted" by Cartel but I don't particularly like it.
Maybe that was just what it was. Ours. All over again.
I should probably take a shower. I'll probably need one by tomorrow morning. I won't. Can't be bothered. I'll just spray the dry shampoo in my hair.
We were 17, 18 and we were sitting on the steps and crying. And that was the point. That was who we were. But it's not who you are anymore. So it's not a stable, permanent state of being. I cry at the thought of becoming someone else. I'm always afraid. They don't understand how afraid I am. I was with you then, when you were crying. I was your granddaughter and you were someone's granddaughter and I wasn't anywhere near born but I was crying too. Because I always knew -- the same, the truth. It was who we are. Who you were, who I have to stop being. And then I had to write something new.
Thursday. Rainy again. Morning free in library
New lore drop about Him -- he was #1 in picoCTF in our school (thanks Joe, sorry I asked him about being #2 but after he said Crush was #1 I just had to know in what). He's very serious about comsci I guess (serious might not be the right word... committed). Anyways also today I was walking into the library and pushed the door to keep it open and the person in front of me turn and held the door open a little more and it was him but I didn't realized until I had already not said 'thank you' :P. I'm so rude...
Thursday. Rainy, but not very cold.
It shouldn't be this warm in early March, it really shouldn't be. This is existential horror. + I've had a bad week. Not my worst, by far, but it just hasn't been too good. Mostly tired, maybe from the rain. Low focus. Social media addiction.
Crush update: Well, integral part of the "lore" is this incident I recorded on Tumblr. But today he sat down in front of me in the class assembly, on the bleachers. He turned around and he looked right past me. I know he doesn't care about me, even though I feel like sometimes I see him looking, and it's honestly nice to have confirmation because given our history, if he was noticing me I'm pretty sure he'd be juding and disliking me. His hair was unwashed -- I could see dandruff in it. The mole on the back of his neck was right in front of me. I haven't noticed before, but he tugs at his collar and sleeves to keep himself covered. He was leaning to one side and his torso looked distorted for most of it, like his one side was normal but the other side his shoulder jutted out crazy sharp and his ribs caved in. I don't care that he's a little mean, he seems so content and when he smiles, it's a whole-face smile. However, I do care that recent evidence has indicated he may have a boring sense of humor (Thanos meme? or something?).
Also, he was talking to the other guy with his name (they seem to be great friends now) and the other guy had a hood up and he might have bleached his hair??? I don't remember it being curly either, but maybe it was... Anyways, Girl A. sat next to him and I spent a bit wondering if they were dating but they didn't really seem like it, until she switched seats with him to sit next to Lk... her boyfriend... the "iconic" couple that I recently learned about... I'm so silly :P I watched them less and there was less time but funnily enough they didn't seem to act that much more couple-ly lol.
Finally passed my driving test yesterday! Yay! Super stressed from the college waiting game. Also, just looked at my last post, and a little white boy with a sibling was in my dream last night... there were lots of people in that dream, but this white boy was supposed to be my cousin I think. Even though I have NO white cousins lol.
Wednesday. It's been so cold lately
I wanted to review the band but now it's been too long. They were good. Need more developement but really strong potentional, doing justice to the iconis of their genre. Sounded like they had some Chiodos influence, or just something similar.
Wednesday before midterms
I've been babystting this white boy in my dreams. He has a sister whose not really there. It's pretty clear he's based off the real boy a babysat months ago. He's a little nicer though -- still cheeky but able to be handled. It wasn't winter in the dream. We were in the city or something. I don't know.
Wednesday
He almost smiled directly at me today. I say almost because I can't possibility believe he was; he had no reason to. He was looking to the left of JC, or maybe someone was out the door? I cleared my status that said this, so he posted his Princeton rejection on the wall and someone wrote "you are a prince" on it. I can't believe I'm keeping this silly crush into the new year. I do love how I simultanesouly feel like a straight girl with it and also that I'm just so fucking queer that it's super queer attraction anyways. Gotta finish Brown, bye.
Monday
The rain fell harshly and continulously that day. It had started the night before, a late rain for December. When I had gone to sleep at 11, it had quited, and I had thought it was gone. The next mroning, it was still storming. My father drove us to school, having seen a branch impaled in the earth of our back yard. I had my middle double frees, and I left the library early to search for a place to have lunch. In the front-left stiarcase, I could hear the rain. How perfect. But too much foottraffic there to eat. Perhaps the back math/history staircase? I knew my friends used to eat in English though. I walked past my father's classroom. Still teaching. The sound of the rain was louder under the skylights. What I needed as an awning, outside, without crossing the courtyard. It was the week before break and everyone was sick. New people were even wearing masks. The sound was quiet in the English/language stairwell, but there was an awning outside the door. I reach out my air to test the air, then stepped outside. The door closed behind me, and I took off my mask. The air outside was warm and pleasant, and under the awning was dry enough. It was a day for journaling on my blog. The ground was wet, however, too wet to put my stuff down on. I realized that if I had left my backpack behind, I would have been locked out, so I wore my lanyard before putting my backpack behind the door and placing my coat on top. A boy approached the door, confused, but I showed him my lanyard. Quickly I realized I had miscalucated -- the water was faint to a human, but my computer screen was getting covered in drops. I went back inside, and put on my mask to finish the tale. I had heard in Chinese that many road had been closed, and the loudspeaker made an announcment that we were to only exit the high school to the left. I couldn't really hear the rain as everyone switched classes. What was left to right about then. But as they left, the rain returned, and I dreamed again. I had forgotten the pleasure of warm, fresh air though, and I now return to my awning for my meal. There had been too many details to record to write my love of the rain anyways.
Friday, afterschool, it's getting cold.
Haven't updated in a while and also "Crush" is definitely fading (kinda in favor of JC????? but that's more standard platonic and aesthetic affection). Speaking of JC, told him he might have ADHD today. I hope he looks into it. Got my binder!! Sent my messages to AFC so no words here. Saw EM today, don't think I've written of her before but the only point is that I hadn't in a long time. She walked by as JC was demonstrating getting up with skis on and clapped and I engaged her in conversation and then again after I went inside. JC broke his glasses and acted like it's a mystery but then he actually slept with them next to his pillow so it's pretty obvious to me. He taped one half to his nose for a bit. Ran into 弟弟 in the hallway and JC asked if he knew Blender bc JC made a Blender joke (regarding the glasses, something about noise) but no 弟弟 does not. I'm proper Kenneth Williams-ing it up today.
But the story regarding The Boy! He shows up to class wearing his normal coat but as he walks to his seat, his back to me, one of the back row girls comments on him being dressed up. He takes off his coat and he is wearing a nice blazer (or suit jacket idk apparently there's a difference) and button-down shirt underneath. Ctwin says "wow, you really showed me up." I ask JC after class and it's for a business class presentation lol, pitching their product. I wonder what it is. I kinda suck at talking to JC, I'm always offering up information out of context (something about how people dress up to different degrees for that and "some girls in my advisory did in and weren't really dressed up" except I don't think I got the words right). But he's kinda like that too so it's fine. Also at lunch I ate alone at first but then JC came out and talked to me (AND NO ONE ELSE?? Lili was inside and it was super nice today, much warmer than yesterday. bastards) but anyways. time for a slightly creepy transfer of the little things I wrote down. His shirt was crisp -- as always, never slouching. (The color is purple-ish in my memory, but probably a light blue.) Ctwin's shirt looked... thinner? but if he wasn't SUPER SLOUCHING B wouldn't have actually "shown him up" that much. Although, his jacket was a beautiful dark blue with four gold buttons down the wrists. Ctwin's jacket wasn't that nice - I think it had buttons that matched the rest of the color, grey I think? Not solid though, that would be ugly. At the end of the day I saw him (B) sit down in the library, taking off his normal jacket and the accented shoulders of the suit jacket. I almost wanted to sit in the library to sneak glances. But what would be the point when I could just go home.
Friday, only one real class today. Writing from the aquedact.
It's strangely warm for mid November. I've been wearing my mask on the walk too and from school because of how cold it is, and I have it off now. The air I'm breathing doesn't feel real. I saw Ms. P, who hasn't turned in my letter of rec today. She smiled at me, seemed happy to see me. It's 16 days past the due date. I emailed my guidance counselor on the 12th. I was supposed to email her when he got back to me. It's been a bad week. Just saw the in-school assembly of Spongebob. Some underclassmen I don't recognize at all in a couple significant roles. Mr. Broadway-bound had the finale though. I think he must have learned to tap dance for the role -- he picked it up well, but there was a bit that I think was supposed to be an impressive tap solo if the actor had been more skilled. The kid I didn't recognize played the little green guy and had a rap. (Watching it in full now and it was actually in the singing that his enunciation dropped.) I'm so afraid. Of everything. I want to eat but I'm not hungry, I want to be home but I don't want to go. I haven't ordred my binder yet but I have it picked out. I keep messing up a credit card application -- first I didn't have online banking, and now the website was broken and so I couldn't link it and well. Now I'm getting rejected again. I just want to be free. Frick. I might burst into tears again. Day three in a row!!! Or maybe four. It's been rough. See ya. (I did cry.)
Full post thoughts: Three kids were doing heavy voice changing -- TMaxman, E.man, and Broadway Boy. Broadway Boy sung in the Squidward voice, which was impressive. TMaxman also sang, and he REALLY changed his voice, also impressive. Amelia was also doing a strong Texas accent, but it didn't sound rough on her vocal chords, so separate category. Theatre Diva Girl had her belting moment of course. The unknown kid is a freshman - yet another natural talent. He's very German, name, voice, looks and all. "I love it when you gloat" - Lawlight vibes. The whole cast harmonized near the end, which was impressive. /p>
It's cold, finally. Friday evening, post-Costco trip
Random update: I don't think he plays soccer anymore. He doesn't do any of the team psyches. No other news. Past the 40th day of the school year -- first quarter almost done.
He gave it to me after school, an olive green bundle. I held it under my coat as I walked home with both my brother and father -- a rare occurance. I rushed right up to my room, giddy, and turned on both my lights and stripped my sweater and my undershirt and my bra. I thought you were supposed to step into a binder, but there was no way it would fit over my hips, so I pulled it down instead. The first thing I noticed was that his was too small for me. My breasts were squished downward in such a way that there was a gap between the fabric of the binder and my underchest. The second thing I noticed is that it worked. I tried on my sweater, and searched for a T-shirt in an attempt to mimic the emo boy look. I didn't have any small enough; for once I had cleaned out my drawers of too-tight items at the end of the summer. I put on my eyebrows and did just a tiny bit of side contour. I tried to introduce myself, but I had started as my emo drag boy and I couldn't get his name out of my head, my head out of this persona. Leonardo. Leonardo. My name. Or both my names. I try to change my voice. I put back on my sweater and compare. Looking down, I am flat. I have to go to Costco -- no time to measure. Later. I text a thank you to my friend. I realize: at no point did it feel wrong.
Monday, unexpected 中文 free. Language SLC. sun is shining at my back
Sat next to The Boy but in a different group when doing group stuff in English today. One day soon we'll be the same small group. I think it'll be whatever though, because this is all in my head. He was looking right at me and I wasn't sure if I should say hi to him so I think I did right when he turned around. I hope he didn't think I was indicating a hatred of him when I angled my body towards my group. I felt so lazy slouching next to his perfect posture (he always has perfect posture. he always sits with his back perfectly straight, holding his book nearly vertical on the table in front of him).
Other story: 王老师 had K. and AR move over one seat. K. and JC weren't actually directly across from each other, but they started making little heart gestures until 王老师 had K. move again, because she wanted him to be able to see the board better. Cute moment, but was extra interesting is that I didn't even know they were friends. I don't think K. does Robotics but maybe they have some other overlap?
Finally, Hat Man, the guy in the grade below me whose hot now and will probably be a star, is starting a Young Playwright’s Club. I laughed when I saw that. My little Halliwell, Orton, and Williams-inspired story idea. Playwright’s Club. “There was a sense that surviving Playwright’s Club would, in some way, be dishonest.”
Thursday afternoon, so tired. nice weather. got retainer replacement
Told M. about how I bullied kids when I was younger and didn't realize it at the time. She said she thinks she did that to someone too, and that made me feel a little better.
New cute stories about the boy -- I'm in crush territory again, haha. He messed with his hair at the beginning of physics and it stuck out a little bit -- he didn't actually "fix" it. I thought it was cute. And then Mr. S. gave us all a point because of "how nicely" The Boy pointed out that a diagram for a problem didn't make sense (it kinda did, you just have to assume it's in perfect alignement) (Dad says it's probably his way of scaling the test lol). Anyways, the Boy smiled real big, kinda like AFC -- reminded me of that picture where they said they have a "neurodivergent head tilt". He gave two thumbs up. "Give it up for [his nickname, the one he prefers over the one that reminds him of the name I bullied him with lol]," JKelly said. We clapped for him.
I was thinking of naming this page "Recollections" or "Reminisions", but now I think "Chronicles" would fit best.
Monday, 8:30. shades closed. nice day, warmer than the previous ones. should be 80 degrees next two days
I'm thinking about The Boy in the context of my childhood... I did want to be him back then too, wanted to be full and go back to Taiwan... I wish this was a book and then it would all make sense. In Chinese school, my last year, he brought me to the table and Char. brought Ella. He was the one that translated for me most years. I guess I miss him in a way for that. He was wearing a green sweater today, similar shade to my Jack Manifold one but traditional cut. It looked good on him, I think. I noticed something about it, but I didn't understand what -- it might have been real attraction. Sorry, I write so much about him it seems weird, like stalker-y... Of course, it was always Weird though. Anyways, I think I was going to say something else... we don't greet each other. ZZ greeted me as I left today tho. He (the boy, not ZZ) sat in my spot for our English class discussion today. I shouldn't have noticed that but I did, but I know it doesn't mean anything -- I always sit in R.X's spot, just because it makes sense to fill in next to M.
Scanned my blog for the "crush", and re: the Feburary 9th entry... I wish I had said, "oh man, I think I know why, I'm so sorry," but I'm pretty sure I was sitting at the back of the classroom and he was the by the door and his back was to me so it would have been weird but I wish I could say I'm sorry. Wait. Was I so weird to him back then because I wanted to be him??? Or was it just jealous rivalry over AMY?? She's never actually explained how they were friends seemingly before I was friends with her actually, but I've already asked so it'd be weird to ask again. Iconic 2nd grade memory of the three of us pulled aside, worried we did something wrong, then it turns out our parents were the only ones not going on the field trip... then the girl I chose turned out to be You many years later, haha. It's kinda an accident I've refusen to give my two "crushes" letter nicknames (You and The Boy instead), strange.
Friday evening, after Costco pizza
New story of The Boy. First practice AP Lit multiple choice quiz. It's quiet as we all read the passage. There's a soft sound from my left. I turn. I look. He's underlining as he reads. (His high-end mechanical pencil, he said he took the AP exam with it last year even though the teacher -- he says the Calc BC teacher's name, it must have been AP Calc BC -- said he couldn't. Someone asks why. He screws off the top, shows how maybe someone could hide notes in there.) There's no way the teacher will even look at those. So maybe he's not faking, he's really just so studious and smart. Book award winner, but not one of the two National Merit Scholars or three ACT 36s in our grade (unless he's keeping a 1600 or 36 under wraps -- the National Merit is for sure). (I test so well. I've always tested so well. Too well.) (I was a little sad, but it's still only a few thousand people in the country. I just happen to live in such a competative small town.)
(I keep looking during the test -- stop! this is timed! but then I finish early (possibly first) and watch him continue to carefully flip back and forth, meticulously filling in the 10 bubbles. Does it really take him so long? No way, I think he's filling in the bubbles when he's done, and reanswering the question before he fills them in -- the kid next to me has nothing on his bubble sheet, so he must be filling them in at the end -- that's where I get the idea. I think carefully, check over two questions I'm not certain about. Is this a hyperbole? No, no, it's all part of the one metaphor. But it reads like two parts in context. But it's one, it's one, the tigers are jealousy and despair and they eat your heart.) He smiled and laughed when Ctwin (Gtwin apparently went to private school?? wonder why) says JC -- have I not written about JC? I don't think I have an abbreviation for him yet --, well, he said it interestingly, so here it is best I remember: "this table [incredulous] was playing softball last block without glasses [stressed words by drawing them out]. dude couldn't even see the ball."
Sometimes I wonder about JC. What's going on in his mind. Does he write on that wood plank because he took everyone seriously when they joked about it, or does he really see it as the best solution to never having paper or pencil? Horse head hat I haven't seen in years. I remember him best from 6th grade math, always wearing his bike helmet because 'why bother taking it off?' I think it didn't fit in his locker. He's growing his hair out now, started it over the summer. Asked me if he should at the end of Mandarin, one day in the first week of school. It doesn't look better yet but I encouraged him anyways. Hesitantly added a little "I always think guys look good with long hair" at the end. Wouldn't want him to think I was saying I'd be attracted to him specifically with long hair.
Boys. I like boys, in my strange, aromantic way. Well, arospec asexual way.
Thursday, warm in the sun in the courtyard, lunch free. 艳阳高照，万里无云
Felt like I needed to talk, so new post here. Saw a kid who signed up for Asian American Culture Club sitting alone -- thought I might be friednly to them, but then they moved over and joined another group. Met w/ Mr. D. on my college essay today -- not a lot of specific help, but he did have good advice. Been seeing a therapist again, Mondays. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do any of this. I'm coming back to Math Team today. I don't know if I want to.
My senior year of high school, I didn't feel senior. Some underclassmen mocked me in the halls in the first week of school. On week two, I made as many mistakes as there were days. I was still painfully insecure, timid, shy. My senior year, I went to therapy again, and I cried almost every session. It was a lot. It was my whole life. I didn't feel like I had improved since before that year. I didn't feel like I was anything more than I used to be. But maybe I was. I probably was. My parents still wanted me to stop staying up to do homework. I still always failed. My senior year of high school, I was almost 5'3" and never would be. My senior year of high school, I kept making things up about myself and placing them in my real life and then remembering they weren't true. My senior year of high school, I applied to college with one story, no story, my whole life, an essay, 650 words, and who was I? I just wanted to go back to the mall in Taiwan. They had good food in Taiwan. Good weather. I want to go back to childhood. I don't want to be around you. My only goal in life was many. Both my grandmothers gave up getting a PhD to support their family while their husbands did. I wanted to get a PhD. I was going to go to college for computer science and I didn't care. I would never get a PhD on that path. I wanted a secure job in the future. I was just 18. I wasn't even 18 yet. I was almost 18-- how deathly horrible.
I was bigender and I was coming out to no one. I was asexual and wearing it on my shirt. I was emo and I kept waiting to fully cut my hair that way. I was mixed race, half Chinese, and I was going to write my college essay about that. What else? i couldn't write about the drag. What was there in hashi to write about? What else did I have besides a family legacy? I was going to go to Math Team. I was going to give it my best shot. And if I was happy, I would stay. If I didn't succed, I would quit. For real.
Tuesday, summer rains had rolled across the weekend. On the driveway, waiting for the sun to come back from behind a cloud.
I've been soooo tired today and yesterday, and it's cold everywhere too. I drove to Target and Costco and worked on Saturday, then the party on Sunday, then I had to stay after school for therapy yesterday, and now I have the dentist today. I've gotten a little less sleep, but it hasn't been so bad as to warrent this.
I saw him again today. Well, I've been seeing him every day, but this moment was notable because I thought he looked pretty/cute again. His skin looked a little lighter, but I think it was because he was by the window. The teacher had forgotten to pass out notes to his area, so I had an exuse to look around, and our eyes might have met, and I thought he had bangs just a little bit like mine but not really, I only wanted that to be true. I had brushed mine to look emo. I brushed them back to normal. I noticed him in English class earlier today -- I was observing the Socratic Seminar and he was in it. Not a good view for looking, but I listened. He seemed to be pretending, a little bit, to say what he thought the teacher wanted him to say -- he had a question prepared for the group. But I mean, it was a real question, so he was genuinely engaging that deep, and whether he was just doing it for the grade or not doesn't really matter becuase he did it, so I probably just assumed his attitude was slightly ingenuine just because I was jealous he had worthwhile things to say. I didn't say anything interesting in my discussion, but at least I pulled out an exact quote that was relevant. I also saw him in 6th period free, after English but before I thought he was cute, when I was in the library trying to rest but it was too cold and more people kept coming over. He was at a high table with a lot of his friends, including some of the ones I don't understand. A new kid from my advisory was there -- good to see he's fallen in with a mostly-good crowd. His back was to me and I was wondering again, what exactly is the nature of my fascination towards him. There's a large mole on the back of his neck. I wonder if he even knows it's there. I wondered if I was dying to be in his seat. I might have been imagining that. I wasn't sure. I think I was thinking of being him. I think I'm deluded that if I was a boy, I would be him. If I was someone else, I would be him. I wouldn't be. I know that for a fact. I know very little about his parents but I know they are significantly different from mine. And he is definitely at least a tiny bit smarter than me. And more atheletic, for sure, I hate sports but he plays soccer and our bodies probably wouldn't look so much different if it weren't for that difference in activity levels. I would always be broad, though. Although, then maybe I would always need thick limbs to match anyways. I'm probably getting sunburned out here. I guess I'll go in now.
Tuesday, strangely warm after it felt like fall was here early. Outside in my 6th period free.
First day of school today. My last first day. Two stories.
One: I'm sitting in AP English, my first academic class. Introductions, verbal. Name, nickname, pronouns if you want to, favourite Zinsser writing tip. He points at the boy sitting diagonally in front of me. He (who happens to be class president) gives his pronouns. Everyone follows. I hope BK will say she/they or something, I don't remmeber her pronouns exactly but I don't want to be the only one. She says she/her. After her, the kid behind her goes. I'll be second to last. I can feel my heart in my chest. I go back and forth, wondering if I should be honest or just say she/her, if I should say "any is ok" like normal or try "she/he". I've been nervous since I saw him (my "crush", the boy I'll never be) waiting outside too. I sit at an angle where I face the window, a view of the teacher if I turn right, him if I turn left. I said "any" last year a few times, why am I so afraid? Maybe because that was in the chump classes, of people I didn't care about. I respect the people in this class. I want them to respect me too. (Maybe it's just him.) Every single one of them is saying Basic Pronouns. I look at his thin arms and I quickly think and smash down "I'm fat [with negative connotation]". I don't want to look at my classmates as I do my introduction. I was going to stare just above my teacher's head, but my eyes run or swim or dart or drift around, looking at the ground and the window and the board and my desk. After I finish, no one is looking at me at all.
Interlude, AP Physics: He's in this class too. We're sitting in a reverse from last year, with me at the back and him in the front. I don't want to keep this seat though; it's very far away from AMY. His friend is on the diagonal. He turns and smiles at him. You couldn't really describe it as a handsome smile -- his face smiles so fully he looks like a drawing of cresent-moons, but because of who he is I still think of it as charming. I wish he would smile at me, I wish I could smile like that. I thought earlier today, he isn't even cute anymore. So why am I still obsessed? I was going to use strikethrough for something here. Maybe my self-fatphobic thought from earlier. This class is large and the other was very small, 7 kids. The vice principals and guidance counselors completely failed at making the schedule this year (I would never blame Ms. M., such a nice woman).
Story two I don't really feel like telling anymore, but Ms. C (VP) came over and spoke in the same scratchy voice I remember hearing earlier and thinking she must have been really sick -- weird thing is, I remember her having a different voice to begin with -- maybe long Covid? -- but I had an awkward interaction where she was trying to be friendly and make chitchat about me taking a free book and I thought she was trying to imply I should only take one, as I've taken. Many. I estimate 14. (Dad confirmed, she was just being friendly, and he thinks she just has very different public and personal voices.)
Anyways. So that was my last first day of school. All around pretty similar to what I shared here -- speaking out when I felt confident (AP Euro teacher prolly likes me already), moments of stress and fear (luckily just the one pronoun incident), timid and awkward at all other times.
Oh, I read back a little, and sorry to say, I didn't not watch or read Chainsaw Man. I watched some Saiki K. though. Now that I've reminded myself, maybe I'll try to read it. After all the new books I own, of course! ← lying sooo hard
Sunday but I only know that because yesterday was Saturday and I worked at the library. 11:30pm. I had something to say, too personal for Tumblr.
I LOVE MY LONG STRAIGHT BROWN HAIR, SO DARK IT'S ALMOST BLACK. IT'S COOL AND ALMOST SEXY. I LOVE MY BROAD SHOULDERS. I LOVE BEING SHORT BUT NOT, BY A USUAL DEFINITION, PETITE. I LOVE MY FACE AND MY FEATURES WHICH LOOK JUST LIKE MY FRENCH GRANDMOTHER AT MY AGE BUT ALSO CONSTANTLY GET MISTAKEN FOR MY CHINESE MOTHER. I LOVE MY UNEVEN BREASTS AND I'VE FINE THAT I ONLY LIKE THE WAY THEY LOOK IN A BRA. I'VE ACCEPTED THE BUMPS AND DIPS ON MY HIPS, AND THE MANY DIFFEERENT LOOKING MOLES THAT HOPEFULLY AREN'T SKIN CANCER. I'M STILL WORKING ON THE STRANDS OF HAIR THAT AREN'T PERFECTLY STRAIGHT, BUT I LOVE THE BENT ANGLES OF MY FINGERS AND I LOVE HOW BIG MY HANDS ARE. I LOVE MY EYEBROWS THAT PUSH INTO THE MIDDLE, WHICH I PLUCKED AS A KID, THINKING OF HOW ANOTHER GIRL TOLD ME YEARS BEFORE THEY LOOKED LIKE A UNIBROW, NOT EVEN AS AN INSULT, AND HOW SOPHIE FROM KEEPER PLUCKED HER EYELASHES, AND NEEDING A HABIT FOR MY HANDS. I LOVE THE SCARS ON MY KNEES. I LOVE MY EYES WHICH DON'T SEEM TO HAVE A WHITE OR ASIAN SHAPE AND I LOVE THEIR DEEP BROWN COLOR RINGED WITH ALMOST-BLACK. I LOVE HOW THE SKIN ABOVE THEM ALWAYS LOOKS DARKER, LIKE I HAVE EYESHADOW. I LOVE MY BODY AND I'M SORRY TO IT FOR THE TIMES I'VE PINCHED AND POPPED AND PLUCKED AND JUST POSSIBLY RUBBED THE HAIR OFF A LITTLE PATCH AT THE TOP OF MY NECK. I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU NOW. I PROMISE.
Weekdays don't matter in the summer. 2nd day of no wisdom teeth. evening after college essay zoom
When my interest in being a drag king first started, I didn't think it was the kind of thing I needed to tell my parents. At first I figured that nothing would come of it, and then when I started doing bathroom drag, I figured I would just go out in college. It could be a college thing. I didn't have to explain it. But now I wish I had been more courageous, more self-confident like a little kid who knows exactly what they want. Maybe I should have read that book I own and the one I checked out. I never found the time but maybe Pumpkin' would have given me the courage. It's really just a fear issue, the kind I said I would refuse to have. They know what drag queens are, but do they know drag kings? Would they understand? Maybe I fear it would be another moment of me crying, saying, "you don't understand," as they pass judgment and tell me I don't know myself. Maybe it's because I spent so long wondering if I really wanted to be a drag king or just a man, maybe even though I've forgotten to worry vapidly about whether my drag is drag enough, but my subconscious still does. But I wish for the other life I could have lived, the one where it all happened in time for me to write it into a college essay. It would have been perfect. "Sometimes I put ugly makeup on in my bathroom and close the door" does not a good college essay make. I wish I was more of myself.
"You didn't just- You're not supposed to swallow the salt water," she said. I swallowed. I laughed. "I know," I said. I had two mugs. This was the normal water.
Wow it's been a while. I didn't realize how long. No general update now, maybe later.